Juxtaposition

jux·ta·po·si·tion [juhk-stuh-puh-zish-uhn]

–noun
1.an act or instance of placing close together or side by side, esp. for comparison or contrast.
2.the state of being close together or side by side.

I am in the graceful state of juxtaposition. I am totally happy, excited, inspired and optimistic about life and writing and my place in both. Alternatively, I am 100% relating to the idea of "Stop the world, I want to get off!" I really, truly, madly, deeply want to take a break and lay in the overgrown green grass of spring and watch the clouds go by...for about a week.

Honestly, I think that would make a world of difference.

But we all know that ain't gonna happen! Besides, if it was possible I am assuming I would not be alone on that pretty green overgrown rug o' spring. How many of you would be there with me? Right? Can I get an "Amen!"?

Alright, Dear Reader, let's move on from Jessica in Dreamland and on to Reality with a capital "R". Time for the overdue Week 9 check in.

Week 9, if you recall, was all about "Recovering a Sense of Compassion". The idea was to uncover our internal blocks to creativity, address our past shames and failures as artists and move forward. We were to talk about what makes us afraid - of creating, of success, of failure.

My answer was to create a plan. Hah! How typical of me. Really, I don't have time to hash out all that I have done wrong in the past. I have started and never finished so many projects - too many to list. So let's just move forward, shall we?

I think we can all agree I have a little writer idol worship going on. I think most writers are better than me - more dedicated, more talented, more able, more driven, more focused.

Blah blah blah.

On the other hand, I am feeling pretty excited about working on my project once I am done with the next two weeks of TAW. I am happy with the poems I workshopped at Amber's and the feedback I got. I am looking foreward to workshopping two more this week. I have definately developed a writing habit. One that I feel badly about breaking - that is good. I may not write every day of the week, but I get 5 religiously and usually 6. I have set some realistic creative goals and am making plans to keep myself accountable and on task over the coming months.

I have slacked on the Artist's Date. Maybe I'll take myself out for a leisurely roll in the grass...

Write on,
J.

Thought for the Day

Work will win when wishing won't.  ~ unknown

System Reboot

Dear Reader, 
 I am in a personal purgatory between abject apathy and total motivation. My system is not responding. I need a total system reboot.

Not sure how to make that happen. Been pushing buttons all day long and none of them are quite doing the trick.

You know how when you push the hard reset button it takes  a little while for the system to start up again? It just sits there for a minute (hmmm...do you really want me to start up again? don't you need to go pee or grab a cup of coffee or a glass of wine first?) and then, one little program by one little program it begins to come back to life. Always in the same order. Very precise. Very deliberate. Following restart protocol everytime.

Baby steps in the computer world y'all. Means I need to take baby steps on Planet Jessica too.

Baby step #1:When in doubt, make a plan.

I love to have plans - just so I  can not stick to them. Makes me feel better somehow. So here's the plan for the next 30 days+:

• This week (3/8)
• Complete The Artist's Way Week 9 "Recovering a Sense of Compassion"
• Begin Poetry Revision workshop with Amber Sumrall. 
• workshopping 2 poems a week! 
•  Week of 3/15
• TAW Week 10 "Recovering a Sense of Self-Protection" 
• Session 2 Poetry Revision Workshop
• Listen to Lisa Allen Ortiz read at Poetry Speak  2pm, Sunday March 21st at the Santa Cruz Public Library
• Week of 3/22
• TAW Week 11 "Recovering a Sense of Autonomy" 
• Have a date with an artist friend (Amy , are you reading this??) 
• Week of 3/29 
• TAW Week 12 "Recovering a Sense of Faith"
• Celebrate completing The Artist's Way in a splendid and worthy fashion! 
• find that special writing table perhaps? a new hot pink journal? a new fancy pen? Throw myself an  "I AM a Writer Damnit" party? 
• Come up with a new mission and tag-line for the blog, since it will now be about something else - my life as a recovered creative and a writer working on a project!
• Week of 4/5 
• Spring Break from the day job! Try not to gloat. 
• Spend at least one very late wine fueled night looking through all my half-finished, just barely started stories and poems and decide which ones I want to go back to. 
• Begin working on "The Project" in earnest, with intention and dedication and commitment.
• make edits, add new stuff, print out new working copy...Get Busy!

This, Dear Reader, be my 30-day plan. 

What do you think? 

Feelin' better already, 

j

PS: write on!

Things I've Learned

Hello Dear Reader,

One of this (two) week's tasks has been to go back through my Morning Pages and read them. (Yawn...) I've been instructed (by the book, not the voices in my head or transmissions from outer space) to take two different colored highlighters and highlight a) any insights and b) any action items.

I began this porcess last night and promptly developed a massive migraine which I am still suffering from as I type. Blech. Perhaps it was the neon green and yellow of the highlighter oddly illuminated by the fire reflecting off my glass of sparkling water and chardonnay. Regardless, the task gave me a headache.  I need a brainema.

All was not lost, however. I have learned a few things that I will now share with you:

~ I simply MUST write first thing in the morning, or else I run the risk of not writing at all or wasting a page lamenting the fact that - just like exercise - if I don't get it done first thing, it doesn't get done.

~ I am quite unhappy with my current work situation. I am not 100% sure why. I have my suspicions.

~ I should always shut up long enough to hear what my gut is telling me - and then do that, not the opposite.

~ I strongly desire my own writer's table.

~ Good advice: "You just have to keep trying. Eventually you will find someone who likes your stuff."

~ "Comparison is lethal to contentment." I don't know who said that, but they are a freakin' genius!

That's all I can muster at this time, Friend. Don't worry, I have more to share. Be patient!

Write on,
j

Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss! (and thanks!)

I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me.

-- Dr. Seuss

Join me, Dear Reader, in wishing Dr. Seuss a happy birthday!
 
You know, I went to grad school in his hometown - Springfield, Massachusetts. Just a little Jessica Trivia for you.
 
You may have noticed it is Tuesday and I usually post my weekly check-in on Monday.  I am giving myself another week (again, per usual) to work on this week's topic, "Recovering a Sense of Compassion." I have not done much this week. I have lagged a little on the daily pages and I didn't do a single task out of the book. I have not felt motivated at all. I have felt uninspired, lazy and all around ugly.
 
Apparently, that is not uncommon at this point. (Relief! I am not strange! I am not abnormal!)  As I read the sidebar for this week (kind of a "what to expect" blurb) Cameron writes, "This week finds us facing the internal blocks to creativity. It may be tempting to abandon ship at this point. Don't!"
 
OK. I won't.
 
No, really. I won't.
 
I promise.
 
As I read on, Cameron says,

Blocked artists are not lazy. They are blocked.

Being blocked and being lazy are two different things. The blocked artist typically expends a great deal of energy - just not visibly. The blocked artist spends energy on self-hatred, on regret, on grief, and on jealousy. The blocked artist spends energy on self-doubt.

Hmmph. Not that I want to admit to all that, but yeah, she is totally on the money, Honey. That about sums up my mental space this past week. Yuk.

So what is plan to get past all this self-perpetuated ugliness you ask? Do I have one?

Oh yeah, I've got one:

"...I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"

Write on,
j

Words of the Wise

“Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.” - John Lennon

Week 8 Check-In

Helllooo!

If you are reading this after last week's post thanks for hanging in there with me, Dear Reader. That last post was a doozy, wasn't it? I am happy to report that the Pity Party is over.

I am finding that my tolerance for myself is pretty low these days. I get more easily frustrated with myself in terms of feeling bad about things that really don't warrant the amount of time spent on them (like worrying about how many calories I am eating, how many calories I am burning, if I look like I have eaten that many calories and not burned them off, ad nauseum).

Wondering why I struggle to refer to myself as a "writer" is quickly becoming one of those things. It is now clear to me that it's really in my head. The hang-up is all mine. No one has given me a scathing review (yet - I should be so lucky to be reviewed!) and my parents didn't try to brainwash me about the merits of being a lawyer, doctor, or attorney. They really just wanted me to "be happy" - that's what the sixties did to some folks.

My conclusion? The only way to get around this block I have is to go through it. Define, for myself, what being a "writer" looks like and make it happen. Why not?

Last week's theme was "Recovering a Sense of Strength" and as I write tonight's post I can see that is beginning to happen. Granted, every day is different. Shoot, every hour is different! But I am feeling more confident about my writing, more sure that I will be able to finish a project and more and more hopeful that some day, some how, someone will read this blog who is not related to me by blood or friendship and they will post a comment saying "Hey, I am stoked to read your blog! You Writer You!"

Hey, a girl can dream, can't she?

Back to Week 8: Recovering a Sense of Strength. Part of the reason I am feeling is stronger is this - Not long after posting my pitiful "What is my problem" post I printed out the 23 pages of a project I have been thinking of and working on a teeny tiny bit at a time since 2006. Mostly it is a few half drawn chapters and several pages of ideas/outline. I printed it out, took a deep breath and read it.

Lo and behold - I liked what I read! I liked something I had written! Truly, I thought I would print it out, read it and be like "Oh my Gosh, this is horrible!" But there were a few bits in there I really liked and it still draws me in. It is a story I want to tell. And now it is my next project.

I have a plan and a timeline and I am feeling pretty jazzed about that. Once I conclude the 12 weeks (+) of The Artist's Way I will focus on this project primarily with the objective of finishing it. I have so many ideas and stories that I have started and never gone back to or tried to finish, so that is the goal. Work at it and finish it. To prove to myself that I can.

Then I will be one step closer to being (my definition of) a writer.

Write On,
j

What is My Problem?

Hello, Dear Reader,

I am supposed to do my check-in this evening. I am postponing it until tomorrow so that I may take this time to ask a very important question:

What the Hell is my PROBLEM?!?!

OK, before you all start posting madly with a veritable grocery list of possible answers (the downside of only having people who know you well read your blog...) let me limit your responses by way of a story.

Yesterday I met a woman. A very interesting, energetic and confident woman. A writer. I love talking to writers - shoot, creative people in general. Lately I have been noticing there are so many of us out there, it's really refreshing and wonderful. Inspiring. But I digress...

Somehow it came up that I also am a writer. A mutual friend joined into to mention that I "even have a blog." Of course, my first instinct is to blurt out that well, yeah, I have a blog, but no one reads it. Or I only have 7 followers and they are either friends or family or something equally idiotic. (True, but idiotic, nonetheless. And I am immensely thankful for all 7 of you, BTW.)

The good news is I didn't say any of those things. The bad news is I apparently "shrunk" and "withdrew" when the second friend told the new writer woman that I, too, was a writer. It was so obvious and pronounced that WW (WriterWoman) commented that someone must have really come down on me about being a writer at some point or given me scathing feedback, or something equally traumatizing because my reaction was so negative. Obviously and physically negative. She said I literally shrank into my seat and withdrew when referred to as a writer. Especially one with a blog.

Gawd! When (and how) will I get past this nonsense? It bothers me. Do I need to schedule time in a mirrored room where I do nothing for an hour other than look at myself and say over and over "I am a writer, I am a writer, I am a writer"? Desensitization therapy for the writer with low writer esteem?

The thing is, I can not determine where this hideous (for really, it is hideous) reaction comes from. I know my father would have loved to have been a writer, my step-dad writes (extensive journaling and poetry) my mother appreciated creative folks (though being a Capricorn she definately leaned toward the Practical, with a capital P.) I don't recall any real bias against artistic types in my family. The only other thing that comes to mind is the fact that my father and my auntie are both talented artists by nature who, for whatever reason, were unable to realize their artistic dreams...

Hmmm...there might be something there. Frustrated artists, people I love and admire dearly... Pressure to succeed? Fear of failure? Or worse, Fear of Success?? Just throwing ideas out there folks!

Help me out you armchair therapists! What is my problem?!?!?

It seems like something I need to address - for once and for all. I mean, I AM a writer. I freelanced for two years, wrote regularly for local weekly and daily newspapers, had articles published on-line and in national print magazines (three different ones!) The editors I worked with liked me and my writing as evidenced by the fact they kept giving me assignments. One newspaper even offered me a staff writing job (which I turned down.) I have had three poems published in two literary reviews (first 13 years ago and then again last year.)

What would have to happen for me to own being a writer? How do I define one who is, in my warped mind, a "real" writer? What are those boxes that need to be ticked off before I will own the title of writer? Because until I "own" this I fear I will be constantly battling myself to great detriment.

Got some serious thinking to do.

Write on,
j

I am a writer. I am a writer. I am a writer. I am a good writer.

End of Week 6: Recovering a Sense of Abundance

Dear Reader,

Let's jump to the chase: I don't think I have ever had a "sense of abundance."

Well sure, some of you might have known me long enough to remember when I had an abundance of bad for me boys in my life. And there may have been times when I had an abundance of bad taste, or made an abundance of bad decisions, but I don't really think that is the type of abundance I am supposed to be reclaiming (at least I hope not! Shiz, that would suck, I have worked so hard to get out of that space.)

I believe this is a positive flavor of abundance I am supposed to be enjoying, reclaiming, staking out for myself. An abundance of free time, of love, of attention, of...OK, I'll go a head and say it - money.

I think the main thing I learned this week, in thinking about abundance, is that I equate money with abundance. And I sure ain't had an abundance of that. But as I thought about it futher I realized that none of my peers growing up really did either. (If I grew up with some bonafide blue bloods and didn't realize it - email me - I am actively accepting patrons for my art!) 

I don't really know what that means in the grand scheme of things other than to realize that I am not alone in feeling a lifetime of financial hardship. Never having "enough" money - or rather feeling llike I never have enough money. There is a difference between not having the money and just feeling like you don't. And I do realize that in many ways I am financially better off than most of the world.

That said, I would like to experience financial security. The kind that allows for healthy college funds for the kids, a nice vacation at the holidays and one over the summer, cars that work well and when they don't it's not the end of the world to take it in to get it fixed. The kind of security where property taxes or income taxes don't wipe out your savings.

Am I asking for too much? Sometimes it feels like I am.

Maybe it would be enough to not operate from an attitude of scarcity. Would simply having an attitude of abundance be enough? Would simply believing there is enough time, enough love, enough money make it feel like there is? Or alter my brain chemistry so I believe there is enough? Or change reality so there is enough? (I am beginning to sound like I am channeling The Secret...)

So that was the gist of Week 6 - the halfway mark on the 12 (+) week journey of The Artist's Way. I did my morning pages, I did 90% of the tasks/exercises, I had my artist date, and sadly, did not experience any synchronicity. I am still waiting.

May you have a week abundant in synchronicity.

Write on,
j

Thought for the Day

"Expect the Universe to support your dream. It will."

What would happen if you were able to operate under that assumption? What would change in your life? Ruminate. Discuss. Share.

Thought Provoking Quote for the Day

"Becoming a writer is not a 'career decision' like becoming a doctor or a policeman. You don't choose it so much as get chosen, and once you accept the fact that you're not fit for anything else, you have to be prepared to walk a long, hard road for the rest of your days." ~ Paul Auster

Dear Reader,
I am close to accepting the fact that I am not fit for anything else. I must begin to prepare myself for the long, hard walk....
Write on,
j

Week 5 Check In

Helloooooo Dear Reader!

Well, here we are at the end of two-week-long week 5. Week 5, if you recall, was "Recovering a Sense of Possibility." I, once again, (I told you you would begin to notice some patterns...) took the liberty of mulling, chewing, masticating (same thing, I know...sheesh!) and stewing in the deliciousness of this subject for an extra long time. Two weeks. Honestly, I think I could have milked even more out of it for another week, it was that good!

I have to say "Yes!" I do feel a bit better, I do believe there is possibility out there, I do believe I have a shot at writing a lot, writing well, writing for publication, getting paid to write and then even being able to call myself a writer without making scrunchy face. Because really, Scrunchy Face is no bueno.

Week 5, I was warned, would find me "...examin[ing] the cost of settling for appearing good instead of being authentic. You may find yourself thinking about radical changes, no longer ruling out your growth by making others the cause of your constriction." Now, I don't know what specifically Cameron was referring to, but I like to think that finally cutting my hair super short again (after 10 years of pretending to grow it out) can be stretched to fit into the "radical" category (Hey, I'm talking Baby Steps here people!) I think of myself as a short haired person. Others still think of me as a short haired person even though it had been a decade since it was short. This is just a part of who I truly am, right? Right.

Another concept that Cameron brought up in Week 5 is the idea of "creative solitude." Creative solitude is an absolute requirement for the Artist (caps mine.) She says, "An [A]rtist must have downtime, time to do nothing. " I find that time not only hard to come by, but when I am presented with a snippet of time where I might actually do nothing I am unable to sit still! How vexing! To crave something so deeply and strongly and then not be able to actually do it (or NOT do it, more accurately) when given the opportunity.

It's creative constipation!

I could easily spend an entire week on the concept of creative solitude, why we artists need it and how we are able to so easily and readily high jack it from ourselves. Because really, that is what we are doing. High jacking ourselves with guilt and a laundry list of shoulds and, well, laundry! Or sweeping, or paying bills, or cleaning the frickin' toilet. How have we (and of course, I am talking about myself here) gotten to the point where scrubbing the toilet is more important than taking 15 minutes to sit and watch the clouds go by outside, or the rain fall, or the flames of the fire?

WTF?!?!

I am ranting a bit here. I realize I have gone off the Week 5 path a bit, but I also think I have - by engaging in unrehearsed blogging- uncovered a spot I need to write more about. Maybe all this vinegar (ahhh yes....now it begins to make sense, doesn't it?) is a clue. So I am going to cut this blog short - because I could go on and on about Week 5, there is soooo much good stuff up in here - and take this rant off-line, go dig a little deeper, see where it leads me.

In the meantime, I will leave you with this gem of wisdom courtesy of Toni Morrison, and printed in The Artist's Way:

"We are traditionally rather proud of ourselves for having slipped creative
work in there between the domestic chores and obligations. I'm not
so sure we deserve such big A-pluses for that."

Write on!
j

Friends

Hello Dear Reader,

I wanted to write just a quick update to let you know I am doing well. I am writing. I am having vivid dreams. I am feeling optimistic. I am enjoying this week (Recovering a Sense of Possibility) in the Artist's Way so much that I made it a two-weeker. Not because I was dragging my ass, but because it is a rich subject and I wanted to spend a lot of time on it. I am really into the weekly tasks and getting a lot out of them. I may share some of the exercises with you later.

The other really cool thing that has happened is that I have made some really positive (re) connections with some of my creative friends. Now, if you are a friend of mine (and really, if you are reading this you are either friend or family, quite frankly) I do NOT want you to take this the wrong way. I recognize and appreciate the fact that all of you are creative in your own ways. Many of you are artists - both publicly and privately. What I mean is that I have - thanks, in part, to this blog - had conversations with folks that maybe I wouldn't have had before. Maybe because we didn't realize the other was interested in writing too, or to the same degree, or had the same struggles.

What has come out of this is that I am getting more comfortable talking about my writing (which gets me more excited about it), more comfortable calling myself a writer (which is a goal of mine) and also gathering a support group of other folks who are interested in writing or creating in some way and are willing to join forces with the goal of helping each of us stay focused, stay positive and get some good shit out there.

Write on,
j

Quote of the Day

"Not only is another world possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." ~ Arundhati Roy

Quote for a Rainy Day

"A poet is someone who stands outside in the rain hoping to be struck by lightning."
~ James Dickey

Deja Vu

Dear Reader...Oh Dear, Dear Reader, 

I have hit a wall. I had a sneaking suspicion  this would happen sooner or later and well, it seems to be upon me. I have nothing to write anymore. 

I straight up dissed my morning pages the other day because I didn't want to waste three pages of my pretty notebook writing boring drivel or filling up three pages writing "I have nothing to write, I have nothing to write" like some petulant school girl from years past. (though some of you may argue that image is not too far from reality - hah!) 

I  have not yet written today either. I suck. 

My best guess is that I am at this oh-so-familiar wall because I am on the brink of making some kind of breakthrough. That is what the optimistic therapist angel sitting on my left shoulder says anyways. 

The dark, depressing (she would say "realistic") angel on my right shoulder, however, has a differing opinion. She thinks it simply means I really have nothing of interest to say, no creative talent, hence nothing more to write. Duh. 

I don't think it is ironic to mention that this week, week 5 is "Recovering a Sense of Possibility." 

Possibility. 

This is possible. Creating and writing good stuff is possible. But you gotta work at it, right? This is when the tough get going - you know, when the going gets tough. Or as Cameron says, "Pray to catch the bus, then run as fast as you can." This is when you start to run. Or, if you are me, this is when you say "Ah, I didn't really want to do that anyways. I think I'll just go home." 

Argh! 

This post is titled "Deja Vu" because, you guessed it, I have been here before. This cliff, this precipice, this fork in the road and I almost always stop. Retreat. Go somewhere warm and lick my psychological wounds. In fact, I recently came across an entry in an old diary that illustrates this point quite well. 

I must have been about 9 or 10 and was at the local pool one summer with a friend. We were having a blast - hanging on the side of the pool, playing  Marco Polo and splashing around. I've never been much of a fish, but can certainly have fun splashing around with my friends who are. Somehow I decided it would be fun to go off the high dive that day. So I waited in line and when it was my turn I began to climb the ladder. I was nearly to the top (if not at the top, the memory gets a little fuzzy here - you'll see why in a moment) when I thought "Uh. Hey. This is not such a good idea. I don't want to do this after all. I'm going back down." 

So I began to climb back down the ladder. This task was made much more difficult by the gung-ho kids behind me in line who were now half-way up the ladder themselves. Plus,  it is much harder to go down a slippery high dive ladder than it is to go up it for some reason (they must have designed it that way.) I got about 6 or 8 rungs from the bottom when my hands slipped off and I fell to the ground, nearly taking another kid out with me. I remember him yelling "Hey! She almost fell on me!"

I was pretty shaken up from the fall and my back was all scratched up too. Plus I was totally embarrassed. And ready to go home and lick my wounds. 

So here I am, again, some 30+ years later doing the same thing. Full of vim and vigor I began to climb up this high dive ladder and now that I am near the top I want to stop and turn around. Get off this damn thing. It's scary up here, the water is a long ways away and I am not a very good swimmer. 

Really, I am stuck. I don't know what the glue is that is keeping me here in this spot. Fear? It must be, but of what? 

I suppose there is only one way out of this spot I am in. I gotta write my way out of it.

Tryin' to Write On, 

J

Keep on Truckin'

Hello Dear Reader, 

We, well I,  have come to the end of Week Four on the Artist's Way ~ Recovering a Sense of Integrity.  I was warned that this week I  might be feeling "volatile and changeable". And that would be different, how exactly? 

Honestly, I felt OK during the week. I did my pages each day, I managed to cut my reading back by I'd say 90%, I got a lot of shiz done and yet...

Certainly cranky by the weekend. Too much to do? Not enough rest? Perhaps. 

Or perhaps I am changing somewhat. I feel myself drawn to those folks in my life who are creative, or are, like me, working on freeing their creativity. Getting re-acquainted with it.

The book says "It is important to know that no matter what form your growth takes, there is another kind of change, slower and more subtle, accumulating daily whether you sense its presence or not." Cameron goes on to mention things like having more vivid dreams - both the nighttime and daytime variety. That has certainly been true for me. I have more creative thoughts come to me at night and during the day. I've been trying to keep track of them all, but there are so many sometimes it can be difficult to remember them all. 

The frustrating thing for me is that I have not acted on any of these ideas or inspirations I come across. It is all I can do to remember them and jot them down. I almost feel more pressure having had the ideas - now there is clay to work with and I am still not creating! 

As I am writing this convoluted, wandering post I stop to read through the chapter for week 4 and came across this as well, "You are no longer stuck, but you cannot tell where you are going. You may feel that this can't keep up." 

I guess I am where I am supposed to be at this point. I do feel frustrated. I feel creative, yet  blocked still, I feel optimistic,  yet heavy, I feel blah. And cranky. And snarky. 

I am looking forward to this week, week 5: Recovering a Sense of Possibility. 

I pledge to keep on keepin' on. Let's see what happens! 

Write on, 

j

Quote of the Day. Week. Life.

“Anything I’ve ever done that ultimately was worthwhile...initially scared me to death.”
― Betty Bender

No, I have no idea who Betty Bender is...or was. Other than a smart, inspiring cookie.

Write on,
j

Second Childhood

Hello Dear Reader, 

As it is Sunday it is officially "Check-In Time" for week 3 of The Artist's Way. This week's theme was recovering a sense of power.  I initially recovered my sense of power by extending my week in light of the holidays and all that encompassed. :-)

Here is my official check-in, for your reading pleasure: 

1) How many days this week did you do your morning pages? How was the experience for you? If you skipped a day, why did you skip it? I wrote at least three pages every day this week - more than three on more than on occassion! Whoo Hoo! That being said, I have yet to write my morning pages today...

I find that I will frequently pull my journal out when I am visiting my mom. She is usually either asleep or in her own world, so I use the time to just be with her and write about what is going on in the SNF (Skilled Nursing Facility), or wondering what she is remembering as she mumbles and screams. 

2) Did you do your artist date this week? What did you do? How did it feel? You know, I honestly thought this would be one of the easiest and tastiest pieces of the Artist's Way pie - but so far it is one of the most difficult for me to accomplish. If I can stretch the definition of the artist date a bit I would say that I took my artist self out for a decaf and a muffin before I went to the gym on Thursday. I sat in a sagging, worn, comfy, blue leather couch and read the paper, watched people, and wrote a few pages. Does that count? I think I need to re-read the part about artist dates and get on this one! 

3) Did you experience any synchronicity this week? What was it? Hmmm...Sadly, I have to say "No." Not that I wasn't on the outlook for it! I love synchronicity and am always hopeful it will find me, but it didn't this week. I remain hopeful.

4) Were there any issues this week that you consider significant for your recovery? Describe them. Why yes, Dear Reader, there were, thanks for asking! 

One of the tasks this week was to describe 5 characteristics you like in yourself as a child. I hesitated to do this task, but remembered that the instructions are to pay close attention to the tasks that make you the most uncomfortable - or that you shy away from - and do those. So I dove in and was actually able to come up with quite a few things I liked about myself as a child like my imagination, my ability to entertain myself, my creativity, my confidence, my strong belief that my way was as right as anyone else's way and my sense of humor. 

The thing that struck me the most was the amount of confidence I used to have. I began to wonder when it started to fade. Let me tell you a story - when I was in 9th grade I was competing (track and field, people!) in a big meet called the Central Coast Section (CCS) Top 8 meet. Supposedly this was a chance for the fastest folks in the section to go head to head early in the season. I was ready, I felt good, I was confident. My father (a track coach) was there and several members of his track team were there to cheer me on. They all said "we know you can do it! you can win!" and I believed them. I believed in myself. It totally didn't phase me that there were older girls racing against me who had run faster than I had. I didn't care. I knew I could win. 

And I did. 

After I won, I remember the same kids who had said "We know you can do it!" told me - "Wow! I didn't think you would win! We were just saying that." It gave me pause. But not too much, because later in the season I had made it to the CCS Finals where a top finish would get me one step away from the state meet. I recall driving over to the meet, looking at the seeds for my race and seeing how many other girls had faster times than I did going into the race. But again, I was confident. I remember saying out-loud to my coach - "I can beat them. I can run that fast." 

And I did. I won the 200 meter CCS finals as a freshman! That was a big deal. 

Now that I look back, that was probably the last time I felt that confident, that invincible in the face of competition, that sure of myself and my abilities. 

In 2010, I want to become Confident Girl again.

Write On, 

J. 

Hello Stranger

Dear Reader,

Please accept my apologies for being such a blog-slacker! Has it really been two weeks since I posted last?

In my humble defense I present the following facts:

1. Mom was moved into a skilled nursing facility (sad, good, different, jolting)
2. It was Christmas Eve (crab, french bread, salad, 1.25 bottles of champagne per imbiber, up until 3AM drunk wrapping for Santa and watching Jersey Shore);
3. It was Christmas (happy kids, speed unwrapping completed in less than 20 minutes, joy, unbridled enthusiasm, happiness, contentedness, exhaustion)
4. ... I cooked (prime rib roast experiment, roasted honey glazed veg, DIVINE oven roasted broccolini and green beans, cranberry sauce, baked potatoes, cheese, crackers, Dip Cheney, wine, coookies, pleasant exhaustion)
5. It was New Year's (Big Sur, camping, meeting new, fascinating, creative, fun, warm people, more pure joy and awe and hope than one can really hope to start the new year with)
6. And then...back to work (hmmmm...how to put this politely?...Let's just say it involves less of the good stuff listed above.)

That is the life update for the past two weeks. Now to the creative update, which, Dear Reader, is the point of this whole endeavor, as you well know.

I have managed to do my morning pages (and then some!) most days. I think I may have missed a day or two in the midst of the Christmas hullaballoo, but for the most part I have been on the money as far as that goes. I have, once again, given myself another extension this week. Where I ought to have completed Week Three : "Recovering a Sense of Power" last Sunday I will now complete it this Sunday, the 10th.

How's that for recovering a sense of power! hah! How you like me now!?!

Write On,

j