Hello, Hello, Hello!
Save the date - Saturday, May 29th. Porter Gulch Review party and poetry reading! More details to come, but it is at the Cabrillo College Horticulture Center. Beautiful place, beautiful view, fun night. Last year there were artists displaying their work and many talented poets reading. As I have a poem in this year's edition I will have the opportunity to read - and I shall!
Write on!
Jessica
Monday, April 26, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Where, Oh Where Has Jessica Gone?
Where oh where can she be, Dear Reader?
Somewhere out there in the atmosphere trying to convince Mercury to un-retrograde, that's where!
Bonus points if you know what the HECK I am talking about.
Seriously, she'll be back soon. When she returns from her planetary travels she will land in a pile of post-it notes, random scraps of paper, dog-eared poetry books, and voice messages she sends herself while driving to and from work listening to NPR stories about Alzheimer's or Dorothy Height that, for some reason, make her cry.
Eventually she will dig herself out of this mound of odds and ends. Hopefully she will be making sense (again?) by then.
Until then, Dear Reader, reach for the stars and hang on if you catch one!
Write On,
J
Monday, April 12, 2010
Back From the Dead, or Darn, Spring Break Was Fun!
Hello, Dear Reader,
Both of those titles would be appropriate, as it turns out. Spring Break was a blast, even though this time last week I was writhing around in my sweaty pj's feeling horrible and willing myself not to vomit...again. Yuk.
Luckily, the worst part of the flu or exorcism or whatever it was only lasted about 24 hours. I felt significantly better on Tuesday, though it really took all week for my tummy troubles to subside completely. Well, almost completely - my hankerin' for coffee and wine has diminished substantially. I am concerned.
We had company from out of town and good weather for the second half of the week which meant lots of fun stuff to do like go to the Monterey Bay Aquarium , eat good Mexican food, go out to breakfast, wander around and do a little shopping in downtown Santa Cruz, wander along a sunny West Cliff path, lay on the grass, people watch, go to the movies a couple of times, hit the Boardwalk...really, you name it, we did it. So fun for me and the kids had a BLAST. We all found some of our missing much-ness.
The down side of all this fun-having is that there wasn't much daily writing or traipsing down the Artist's Way taking place. So this will be the final week, and I will wrap it all up next Monday. Neatly, with a real pretty bow - I promise.
I did have some inspiring moments and if I can ever get my camera and computer synched up I will share some cool shots with you. I was possessed to write a couple of rough drafts, starts, random thoughts that may turn into something. I have had time to live a little and do some thinking about how to better do that - the living - and make sure I stay healthy, creative and inspired. More on this later, 'cause I know you are interested! LOL!
And one other thing: I WILL be in the 2010 edition of the Porter Gulch Review !!! More details to come, but my poem "Notes to the Gardener" was selected. [insert big cheesy grin here]
Write On,
J
Both of those titles would be appropriate, as it turns out. Spring Break was a blast, even though this time last week I was writhing around in my sweaty pj's feeling horrible and willing myself not to vomit...again. Yuk.
Luckily, the worst part of the flu or exorcism or whatever it was only lasted about 24 hours. I felt significantly better on Tuesday, though it really took all week for my tummy troubles to subside completely. Well, almost completely - my hankerin' for coffee and wine has diminished substantially. I am concerned.
We had company from out of town and good weather for the second half of the week which meant lots of fun stuff to do like go to the Monterey Bay Aquarium , eat good Mexican food, go out to breakfast, wander around and do a little shopping in downtown Santa Cruz, wander along a sunny West Cliff path, lay on the grass, people watch, go to the movies a couple of times, hit the Boardwalk...really, you name it, we did it. So fun for me and the kids had a BLAST. We all found some of our missing much-ness.
The down side of all this fun-having is that there wasn't much daily writing or traipsing down the Artist's Way taking place. So this will be the final week, and I will wrap it all up next Monday. Neatly, with a real pretty bow - I promise.
I did have some inspiring moments and if I can ever get my camera and computer synched up I will share some cool shots with you. I was possessed to write a couple of rough drafts, starts, random thoughts that may turn into something. I have had time to live a little and do some thinking about how to better do that - the living - and make sure I stay healthy, creative and inspired. More on this later, 'cause I know you are interested! LOL!
And one other thing: I WILL be in the 2010 edition of the Porter Gulch Review !!! More details to come, but my poem "Notes to the Gardener" was selected. [insert big cheesy grin here]
Write On,
J
Thursday, April 1, 2010
A Little Ray of Sunshine
Hello Dear Reader,
I am delighted to be able to share the smallest sliver of sunshiney, glistening, hopeful good news with you. As you know from my last post I was feeling quite sad that none of the poems I had recently submitted were accepted for publication or awarded big fat prizes (like $500, which was earmarked for my really cool new MacBook...) :-(
However, just when all hope is lost (that is, specifically, noon on the last day of notification) I received a lovely email from the Central Coast Writers' Group notifying me that - while I did not win the contest (bye bye MacBook dreams...) - my poem "Yes" was a finalist and my name would be included on their website!
Given the dearth of good news in my literary life this month I am pretty happy about this last minute positivity!Also, I am further motivated to send out my poems for consideration in other literary publications. Like I said, I felt I had some strong poems (or I would not have sent them out), but they are stonger still thanks to my poetry revision group (Big whoop whoops to Amber Sumrall and the other wonderful poets in that group.)
So, purple 2010 edition of Poet's Market in hand, I am carefully researching where to send my little fuzzy babies next. Wish me luck!
Write on,
j
I am delighted to be able to share the smallest sliver of sunshiney, glistening, hopeful good news with you. As you know from my last post I was feeling quite sad that none of the poems I had recently submitted were accepted for publication or awarded big fat prizes (like $500, which was earmarked for my really cool new MacBook...) :-(
However, just when all hope is lost (that is, specifically, noon on the last day of notification) I received a lovely email from the Central Coast Writers' Group notifying me that - while I did not win the contest (bye bye MacBook dreams...) - my poem "Yes" was a finalist and my name would be included on their website!
Given the dearth of good news in my literary life this month I am pretty happy about this last minute positivity!Also, I am further motivated to send out my poems for consideration in other literary publications. Like I said, I felt I had some strong poems (or I would not have sent them out), but they are stonger still thanks to my poetry revision group (Big whoop whoops to Amber Sumrall and the other wonderful poets in that group.)
So, purple 2010 edition of Poet's Market in hand, I am carefully researching where to send my little fuzzy babies next. Wish me luck!
Write on,
j
Monday, March 29, 2010
Let's Talk About (Suc)Cess, Baby!
Success...What is it, how do you achieve it, when do you know you have it? It's so much easier to know when you don't.
Story time, Dear Reader, so settle in. About this time last year I submitted some work to a local literary magazine, The Porter Gulch Review . I was surprised to find out one of my poems had been accepted and was to be published in the 2009 edition. It was totally cool and fun and led to my first public reading! I enjoyed the experience immensely.
However, I pretty much pooh-poohed the PGR - basically because they had selected one of my poems to publish. What was it that Groucho Marx said? Something along the lines of he wouldn't want to belong to any group that would have him as a member. Essentially I figured the PGR wasn't much of a literary journal if I got in. (Yes, this is a sad indicator of how low my self-esteem is...)
Imagine how I feel now having submitted several poems for consideration for this year's edition and not having any accepted. Pretty crappy.
I submitted poems to three journals - all of which were to contact selected poets by March 31. Granted, it is only late on the 29th and therefore there are technically another 48 hours...but it ain't lookin' good folks.
Waaaahhhh. :-(
On the flip side (and there always is a flip side) I am a little relieved because I recently workshopped one or two of the poems I had already submitted. Now that I have done more revising they are much stronger poems. And I have every intention of submitting them to other journals. That is part of my on-going plan - keep those freakin' poems in circulation, because sooner or later someone will read them and see the shiny goodness they hold.
In the meantime I am feeling a little disappointed and sad.
I was reading quotes on success and came across this one that, for some reason, I really love:
" Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire." - Arnold H. Glasgow
Please pass the matchbook,
j.
Story time, Dear Reader, so settle in. About this time last year I submitted some work to a local literary magazine, The Porter Gulch Review . I was surprised to find out one of my poems had been accepted and was to be published in the 2009 edition. It was totally cool and fun and led to my first public reading! I enjoyed the experience immensely.
However, I pretty much pooh-poohed the PGR - basically because they had selected one of my poems to publish. What was it that Groucho Marx said? Something along the lines of he wouldn't want to belong to any group that would have him as a member. Essentially I figured the PGR wasn't much of a literary journal if I got in. (Yes, this is a sad indicator of how low my self-esteem is...)
Imagine how I feel now having submitted several poems for consideration for this year's edition and not having any accepted. Pretty crappy.
I submitted poems to three journals - all of which were to contact selected poets by March 31. Granted, it is only late on the 29th and therefore there are technically another 48 hours...but it ain't lookin' good folks.
Waaaahhhh. :-(
On the flip side (and there always is a flip side) I am a little relieved because I recently workshopped one or two of the poems I had already submitted. Now that I have done more revising they are much stronger poems. And I have every intention of submitting them to other journals. That is part of my on-going plan - keep those freakin' poems in circulation, because sooner or later someone will read them and see the shiny goodness they hold.
In the meantime I am feeling a little disappointed and sad.
I was reading quotes on success and came across this one that, for some reason, I really love:
" Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire." - Arnold H. Glasgow
Please pass the matchbook,
j.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Spring Cleaning
Spring has sprung Dear Reader!
This has to be some of the best news we have heard in a very long time. Last week I was walking on a wooded path in a coastal redwood grove nearby and was thrilled to see the most amazing flowers - tiny purple orbs hanging thankfully on green stalks, hopeful, beastly fern fronds unfurling themselves in the shade, even the poison oak, shiny in its "leaves of three, let them be" glory was something to be thankful for. Spring!
Last week, however, I was extremely ill with some crazy flu-like version of a very bad cold with a side of mucus producing hacking. Felt about as lovely as it sounds. BUT, I decided to put a positive spin on things. Since spring was in the air I decided that being sick, without an appetite, and with feverish nights that left my bedclothes soaked each morning, was a great way to get some physical spring cleaning done. Think of the toxins I got rid of! I had been indulging in too much sugar, too much caffeine, too much bad, processed food. So the sickness imposed semi-fasting and major detox sweat sessions were really a blessing in disguise. I took Friday off and slept all day, in anticipation of feeling miraculously better on Saturday - the Spring Equinox.
Well, Saturday morning didn't exactly live up to it's reputation as a glorious day full of enlightenment and green grandeur, but by Sunday I was feeling pretty good. And I am now on a strict sugar diet (wayyyyy harder to stay on than I thought - further evidence of, ahem, "an issue" perhaps?)
This, Dear Reader, is a perfect segue into my check in for Week 10: Recovering a Sense of Self-Protection. This week, you see, was all about "search[ing] out the toxic patterns we cling to that block our creative flow."
There you have it! What a great way to breakthrough those toxic patterns - get sick! Have limited or no desire to eat, have limited or no desire to sit up and surf the internet (one of my identified blocks), and have limited or no desire to multi-task, be busy just to be busy or really have any interest in getting anything done. Perfect! It its own kind of cosmic slap in the face way getting sick helped me to identify all those bad habits I have that block me.
They are (in no particular order): food (sugar and caffeine, I am talking to you), the computer (yeah Face Book, this means you!), housework (I don't even know what to say in your defense, really. But as soon as I can afford it I am getting a housecleaner - you can count on that!), and "reality" TV (Top Chef, Project Runway, Millionaire Matchmaker - did I just say that out loud? - and those damn housewives - really, why oh why do I get sucked in?!?!?)
OK, we both know I am human - specifically a Jessica - so the simple fact that I have a) identified my time sucking wasting destroying blocks and b) purged myself of their draw for a week does NOT mean I will be able to maintain this abstinence. Nor that I want to, necessarily (so there, bleh.) However, it is important for me to go forward and be mindful about what I am giving up (time with my family, time for my writing) in order to partake in these other, way less meaningful or productive things.
Sugar and Caffeine? Consider yourselves warned.
Write on,
J.
This has to be some of the best news we have heard in a very long time. Last week I was walking on a wooded path in a coastal redwood grove nearby and was thrilled to see the most amazing flowers - tiny purple orbs hanging thankfully on green stalks, hopeful, beastly fern fronds unfurling themselves in the shade, even the poison oak, shiny in its "leaves of three, let them be" glory was something to be thankful for. Spring!
Last week, however, I was extremely ill with some crazy flu-like version of a very bad cold with a side of mucus producing hacking. Felt about as lovely as it sounds. BUT, I decided to put a positive spin on things. Since spring was in the air I decided that being sick, without an appetite, and with feverish nights that left my bedclothes soaked each morning, was a great way to get some physical spring cleaning done. Think of the toxins I got rid of! I had been indulging in too much sugar, too much caffeine, too much bad, processed food. So the sickness imposed semi-fasting and major detox sweat sessions were really a blessing in disguise. I took Friday off and slept all day, in anticipation of feeling miraculously better on Saturday - the Spring Equinox.
Well, Saturday morning didn't exactly live up to it's reputation as a glorious day full of enlightenment and green grandeur, but by Sunday I was feeling pretty good. And I am now on a strict sugar diet (wayyyyy harder to stay on than I thought - further evidence of, ahem, "an issue" perhaps?)
This, Dear Reader, is a perfect segue into my check in for Week 10: Recovering a Sense of Self-Protection. This week, you see, was all about "search[ing] out the toxic patterns we cling to that block our creative flow."
There you have it! What a great way to breakthrough those toxic patterns - get sick! Have limited or no desire to eat, have limited or no desire to sit up and surf the internet (one of my identified blocks), and have limited or no desire to multi-task, be busy just to be busy or really have any interest in getting anything done. Perfect! It its own kind of cosmic slap in the face way getting sick helped me to identify all those bad habits I have that block me.
They are (in no particular order): food (sugar and caffeine, I am talking to you), the computer (yeah Face Book, this means you!), housework (I don't even know what to say in your defense, really. But as soon as I can afford it I am getting a housecleaner - you can count on that!), and "reality" TV (Top Chef, Project Runway, Millionaire Matchmaker - did I just say that out loud? - and those damn housewives - really, why oh why do I get sucked in?!?!?)
OK, we both know I am human - specifically a Jessica - so the simple fact that I have a) identified my time sucking wasting destroying blocks and b) purged myself of their draw for a week does NOT mean I will be able to maintain this abstinence. Nor that I want to, necessarily (so there, bleh.) However, it is important for me to go forward and be mindful about what I am giving up (time with my family, time for my writing) in order to partake in these other, way less meaningful or productive things.
Sugar and Caffeine? Consider yourselves warned.
Write on,
J.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Thought for the Day
“You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.”
― Rosalynn Carter
courtesy of Real Simple
― Rosalynn Carter
courtesy of Real Simple
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Juxtaposition
jux·ta·po·si·tion [juhk-stuh-puh-zish-uhn]
–noun
1.an act or instance of placing close together or side by side, esp. for comparison or contrast.
2.the state of being close together or side by side.
I am in the graceful state of juxtaposition. I am totally happy, excited, inspired and optimistic about life and writing and my place in both. Alternatively, I am 100% relating to the idea of "Stop the world, I want to get off!" I really, truly, madly, deeply want to take a break and lay in the overgrown green grass of spring and watch the clouds go by...for about a week.
Honestly, I think that would make a world of difference.
But we all know that ain't gonna happen! Besides, if it was possible I am assuming I would not be alone on that pretty green overgrown rug o' spring. How many of you would be there with me? Right? Can I get an "Amen!"?
Alright, Dear Reader, let's move on from Jessica in Dreamland and on to Reality with a capital "R". Time for the overdue Week 9 check in.
Week 9, if you recall, was all about "Recovering a Sense of Compassion". The idea was to uncover our internal blocks to creativity, address our past shames and failures as artists and move forward. We were to talk about what makes us afraid - of creating, of success, of failure.
My answer was to create a plan. Hah! How typical of me. Really, I don't have time to hash out all that I have done wrong in the past. I have started and never finished so many projects - too many to list. So let's just move forward, shall we?
I think we can all agree I have a little writer idol worship going on. I think most writers are better than me - more dedicated, more talented, more able, more driven, more focused.
Blah blah blah.
On the other hand, I am feeling pretty excited about working on my project once I am done with the next two weeks of TAW. I am happy with the poems I workshopped at Amber's and the feedback I got. I am looking foreward to workshopping two more this week. I have definately developed a writing habit. One that I feel badly about breaking - that is good. I may not write every day of the week, but I get 5 religiously and usually 6. I have set some realistic creative goals and am making plans to keep myself accountable and on task over the coming months.
I have slacked on the Artist's Date. Maybe I'll take myself out for a leisurely roll in the grass...
Write on,
J.
–noun
1.an act or instance of placing close together or side by side, esp. for comparison or contrast.
2.the state of being close together or side by side.
I am in the graceful state of juxtaposition. I am totally happy, excited, inspired and optimistic about life and writing and my place in both. Alternatively, I am 100% relating to the idea of "Stop the world, I want to get off!" I really, truly, madly, deeply want to take a break and lay in the overgrown green grass of spring and watch the clouds go by...for about a week.
Honestly, I think that would make a world of difference.
But we all know that ain't gonna happen! Besides, if it was possible I am assuming I would not be alone on that pretty green overgrown rug o' spring. How many of you would be there with me? Right? Can I get an "Amen!"?
Alright, Dear Reader, let's move on from Jessica in Dreamland and on to Reality with a capital "R". Time for the overdue Week 9 check in.
Week 9, if you recall, was all about "Recovering a Sense of Compassion". The idea was to uncover our internal blocks to creativity, address our past shames and failures as artists and move forward. We were to talk about what makes us afraid - of creating, of success, of failure.
My answer was to create a plan. Hah! How typical of me. Really, I don't have time to hash out all that I have done wrong in the past. I have started and never finished so many projects - too many to list. So let's just move forward, shall we?
I think we can all agree I have a little writer idol worship going on. I think most writers are better than me - more dedicated, more talented, more able, more driven, more focused.
Blah blah blah.
On the other hand, I am feeling pretty excited about working on my project once I am done with the next two weeks of TAW. I am happy with the poems I workshopped at Amber's and the feedback I got. I am looking foreward to workshopping two more this week. I have definately developed a writing habit. One that I feel badly about breaking - that is good. I may not write every day of the week, but I get 5 religiously and usually 6. I have set some realistic creative goals and am making plans to keep myself accountable and on task over the coming months.
I have slacked on the Artist's Date. Maybe I'll take myself out for a leisurely roll in the grass...
Write on,
J.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
System Reboot
Dear Reader,
I am in a personal purgatory between abject apathy and total motivation. My system is not responding. I need a total system reboot.
Not sure how to make that happen. Been pushing buttons all day long and none of them are quite doing the trick.
You know how when you push the hard reset button it takes a little while for the system to start up again? It just sits there for a minute (hmmm...do you really want me to start up again? don't you need to go pee or grab a cup of coffee or a glass of wine first?) and then, one little program by one little program it begins to come back to life. Always in the same order. Very precise. Very deliberate. Following restart protocol everytime.
Baby steps in the computer world y'all. Means I need to take baby steps on Planet Jessica too.
Baby step #1:When in doubt, make a plan.
I love to have plans - just so I can not stick to them. Makes me feel better somehow. So here's the plan for the next 30 days+:
I am in a personal purgatory between abject apathy and total motivation. My system is not responding. I need a total system reboot.
Not sure how to make that happen. Been pushing buttons all day long and none of them are quite doing the trick.
You know how when you push the hard reset button it takes a little while for the system to start up again? It just sits there for a minute (hmmm...do you really want me to start up again? don't you need to go pee or grab a cup of coffee or a glass of wine first?) and then, one little program by one little program it begins to come back to life. Always in the same order. Very precise. Very deliberate. Following restart protocol everytime.
Baby steps in the computer world y'all. Means I need to take baby steps on Planet Jessica too.
Baby step #1:When in doubt, make a plan.
I love to have plans - just so I can not stick to them. Makes me feel better somehow. So here's the plan for the next 30 days+:
- This week (3/8)
- Complete The Artist's Way Week 9 "Recovering a Sense of Compassion"
- Begin Poetry Revision workshop with Amber Sumrall.
- workshopping 2 poems a week!
- Week of 3/15
- TAW Week 10 "Recovering a Sense of Self-Protection"
- Session 2 Poetry Revision Workshop
- Listen to Lisa Allen Ortiz read at Poetry Speak 2pm, Sunday March 21st at the Santa Cruz Public Library
- Week of 3/22
- TAW Week 11 "Recovering a Sense of Autonomy"
- Have a date with an artist friend (Amy , are you reading this??)
- Week of 3/29
- TAW Week 12 "Recovering a Sense of Faith"
- Celebrate completing The Artist's Way in a splendid and worthy fashion!
- find that special writing table perhaps? a new hot pink journal? a new fancy pen? Throw myself an "I AM a Writer Damnit" party?
- Come up with a new mission and tag-line for the blog, since it will now be about something else - my life as a recovered creative and a writer working on a project!
- Week of 4/5
- Spring Break from the day job! Try not to gloat.
- Spend at least one very late wine fueled night looking through all my half-finished, just barely started stories and poems and decide which ones I want to go back to.
- Begin working on "The Project" in earnest, with intention and dedication and commitment.
- make edits, add new stuff, print out new working copy...Get Busy!
This, Dear Reader, be my 30-day plan.
What do you think?
Feelin' better already,
j
PS: write on!
Monday, March 8, 2010
Things I've Learned
Hello Dear Reader,
One of this (two) week's tasks has been to go back through my Morning Pages and read them. (Yawn...) I've been instructed (by the book, not the voices in my head or transmissions from outer space) to take two different colored highlighters and highlight a) any insights and b) any action items.
I began this porcess last night and promptly developed a massive migraine which I am still suffering from as I type. Blech. Perhaps it was the neon green and yellow of the highlighter oddly illuminated by the fire reflecting off my glass of sparkling water and chardonnay. Regardless, the task gave me a headache. I need a brainema.
All was not lost, however. I have learned a few things that I will now share with you:
~ I simply MUST write first thing in the morning, or else I run the risk of not writing at all or wasting a page lamenting the fact that - just like exercise - if I don't get it done first thing, it doesn't get done.
~ I am quite unhappy with my current work situation. I am not 100% sure why. I have my suspicions.
~ I should always shut up long enough to hear what my gut is telling me - and then do that, not the opposite.
~ I strongly desire my own writer's table.
~ Good advice: "You just have to keep trying. Eventually you will find someone who likes your stuff."
~ "Comparison is lethal to contentment." I don't know who said that, but they are a freakin' genius!
That's all I can muster at this time, Friend. Don't worry, I have more to share. Be patient!
Write on,
j
One of this (two) week's tasks has been to go back through my Morning Pages and read them. (Yawn...) I've been instructed (by the book, not the voices in my head or transmissions from outer space) to take two different colored highlighters and highlight a) any insights and b) any action items.
I began this porcess last night and promptly developed a massive migraine which I am still suffering from as I type. Blech. Perhaps it was the neon green and yellow of the highlighter oddly illuminated by the fire reflecting off my glass of sparkling water and chardonnay. Regardless, the task gave me a headache. I need a brainema.
All was not lost, however. I have learned a few things that I will now share with you:
~ I simply MUST write first thing in the morning, or else I run the risk of not writing at all or wasting a page lamenting the fact that - just like exercise - if I don't get it done first thing, it doesn't get done.
~ I am quite unhappy with my current work situation. I am not 100% sure why. I have my suspicions.
~ I should always shut up long enough to hear what my gut is telling me - and then do that, not the opposite.
~ I strongly desire my own writer's table.
~ Good advice: "You just have to keep trying. Eventually you will find someone who likes your stuff."
~ "Comparison is lethal to contentment." I don't know who said that, but they are a freakin' genius!
That's all I can muster at this time, Friend. Don't worry, I have more to share. Be patient!
Write on,
j
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss! (and thanks!)
I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me.
-- Dr. Seuss
Join me, Dear Reader, in wishing Dr. Seuss a happy birthday!
You know, I went to grad school in his hometown - Springfield, Massachusetts. Just a little Jessica Trivia for you.
You may have noticed it is Tuesday and I usually post my weekly check-in on Monday. I am giving myself another week (again, per usual) to work on this week's topic, "Recovering a Sense of Compassion." I have not done much this week. I have lagged a little on the daily pages and I didn't do a single task out of the book. I have not felt motivated at all. I have felt uninspired, lazy and all around ugly.
Apparently, that is not uncommon at this point. (Relief! I am not strange! I am not abnormal!) As I read the sidebar for this week (kind of a "what to expect" blurb) Cameron writes, "This week finds us facing the internal blocks to creativity. It may be tempting to abandon ship at this point. Don't!"
OK. I won't.
No, really. I won't.
I promise.
As I read on, Cameron says,
So what is plan to get past all this self-perpetuated ugliness you ask? Do I have one?
Oh yeah, I've got one:
"...I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"
Write on,
j
-- Dr. Seuss
Join me, Dear Reader, in wishing Dr. Seuss a happy birthday!
You know, I went to grad school in his hometown - Springfield, Massachusetts. Just a little Jessica Trivia for you.
You may have noticed it is Tuesday and I usually post my weekly check-in on Monday. I am giving myself another week (again, per usual) to work on this week's topic, "Recovering a Sense of Compassion." I have not done much this week. I have lagged a little on the daily pages and I didn't do a single task out of the book. I have not felt motivated at all. I have felt uninspired, lazy and all around ugly.
Apparently, that is not uncommon at this point. (Relief! I am not strange! I am not abnormal!) As I read the sidebar for this week (kind of a "what to expect" blurb) Cameron writes, "This week finds us facing the internal blocks to creativity. It may be tempting to abandon ship at this point. Don't!"
OK. I won't.
No, really. I won't.
I promise.
As I read on, Cameron says,
Blocked artists are not lazy. They are blocked.
Being blocked and being lazy are two different things. The blocked artist typically expends a great deal of energy - just not visibly. The blocked artist spends energy on self-hatred, on regret, on grief, and on jealousy. The blocked artist spends energy on self-doubt.Hmmph. Not that I want to admit to all that, but yeah, she is totally on the money, Honey. That about sums up my mental space this past week. Yuk.
So what is plan to get past all this self-perpetuated ugliness you ask? Do I have one?
Oh yeah, I've got one:
"...I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"
Write on,
j
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Week 8 Check-In
Helllooo!
If you are reading this after last week's post thanks for hanging in there with me, Dear Reader. That last post was a doozy, wasn't it? I am happy to report that the Pity Party is over.
I am finding that my tolerance for myself is pretty low these days. I get more easily frustrated with myself in terms of feeling bad about things that really don't warrant the amount of time spent on them (like worrying about how many calories I am eating, how many calories I am burning, if I look like I have eaten that many calories and not burned them off, ad nauseum).
Wondering why I struggle to refer to myself as a "writer" is quickly becoming one of those things. It is now clear to me that it's really in my head. The hang-up is all mine. No one has given me a scathing review (yet - I should be so lucky to be reviewed!) and my parents didn't try to brainwash me about the merits of being a lawyer, doctor, or attorney. They really just wanted me to "be happy" - that's what the sixties did to some folks.
My conclusion? The only way to get around this block I have is to go through it. Define, for myself, what being a "writer" looks like and make it happen. Why not?
Last week's theme was "Recovering a Sense of Strength" and as I write tonight's post I can see that is beginning to happen. Granted, every day is different. Shoot, every hour is different! But I am feeling more confident about my writing, more sure that I will be able to finish a project and more and more hopeful that some day, some how, someone will read this blog who is not related to me by blood or friendship and they will post a comment saying "Hey, I am stoked to read your blog! You Writer You!"
Hey, a girl can dream, can't she?
Back to Week 8: Recovering a Sense of Strength. Part of the reason I am feeling is stronger is this - Not long after posting my pitiful "What is my problem" post I printed out the 23 pages of a project I have been thinking of and working on a teeny tiny bit at a time since 2006. Mostly it is a few half drawn chapters and several pages of ideas/outline. I printed it out, took a deep breath and read it.
Lo and behold - I liked what I read! I liked something I had written! Truly, I thought I would print it out, read it and be like "Oh my Gosh, this is horrible!" But there were a few bits in there I really liked and it still draws me in. It is a story I want to tell. And now it is my next project.
I have a plan and a timeline and I am feeling pretty jazzed about that. Once I conclude the 12 weeks (+) of The Artist's Way I will focus on this project primarily with the objective of finishing it. I have so many ideas and stories that I have started and never gone back to or tried to finish, so that is the goal. Work at it and finish it. To prove to myself that I can.
Then I will be one step closer to being (my definition of) a writer.
Write On,
j
If you are reading this after last week's post thanks for hanging in there with me, Dear Reader. That last post was a doozy, wasn't it? I am happy to report that the Pity Party is over.
I am finding that my tolerance for myself is pretty low these days. I get more easily frustrated with myself in terms of feeling bad about things that really don't warrant the amount of time spent on them (like worrying about how many calories I am eating, how many calories I am burning, if I look like I have eaten that many calories and not burned them off, ad nauseum).
Wondering why I struggle to refer to myself as a "writer" is quickly becoming one of those things. It is now clear to me that it's really in my head. The hang-up is all mine. No one has given me a scathing review (yet - I should be so lucky to be reviewed!) and my parents didn't try to brainwash me about the merits of being a lawyer, doctor, or attorney. They really just wanted me to "be happy" - that's what the sixties did to some folks.
My conclusion? The only way to get around this block I have is to go through it. Define, for myself, what being a "writer" looks like and make it happen. Why not?
Last week's theme was "Recovering a Sense of Strength" and as I write tonight's post I can see that is beginning to happen. Granted, every day is different. Shoot, every hour is different! But I am feeling more confident about my writing, more sure that I will be able to finish a project and more and more hopeful that some day, some how, someone will read this blog who is not related to me by blood or friendship and they will post a comment saying "Hey, I am stoked to read your blog! You Writer You!"
Hey, a girl can dream, can't she?
Back to Week 8: Recovering a Sense of Strength. Part of the reason I am feeling is stronger is this - Not long after posting my pitiful "What is my problem" post I printed out the 23 pages of a project I have been thinking of and working on a teeny tiny bit at a time since 2006. Mostly it is a few half drawn chapters and several pages of ideas/outline. I printed it out, took a deep breath and read it.
Lo and behold - I liked what I read! I liked something I had written! Truly, I thought I would print it out, read it and be like "Oh my Gosh, this is horrible!" But there were a few bits in there I really liked and it still draws me in. It is a story I want to tell. And now it is my next project.
I have a plan and a timeline and I am feeling pretty jazzed about that. Once I conclude the 12 weeks (+) of The Artist's Way I will focus on this project primarily with the objective of finishing it. I have so many ideas and stories that I have started and never gone back to or tried to finish, so that is the goal. Work at it and finish it. To prove to myself that I can.
Then I will be one step closer to being (my definition of) a writer.
Write On,
j
Monday, February 15, 2010
What is My Problem?
Hello, Dear Reader,
I am supposed to do my check-in this evening. I am postponing it until tomorrow so that I may take this time to ask a very important question:
What the Hell is my PROBLEM?!?!
OK, before you all start posting madly with a veritable grocery list of possible answers (the downside of only having people who know you well read your blog...) let me limit your responses by way of a story.
Yesterday I met a woman. A very interesting, energetic and confident woman. A writer. I love talking to writers - shoot, creative people in general. Lately I have been noticing there are so many of us out there, it's really refreshing and wonderful. Inspiring. But I digress...
Somehow it came up that I also am a writer. A mutual friend joined into to mention that I "even have a blog." Of course, my first instinct is to blurt out that well, yeah, I have a blog, but no one reads it. Or I only have 7 followers and they are either friends or family or something equally idiotic. (True, but idiotic, nonetheless. And I am immensely thankful for all 7 of you, BTW.)
The good news is I didn't say any of those things. The bad news is I apparently "shrunk" and "withdrew" when the second friend told the new writer woman that I, too, was a writer. It was so obvious and pronounced that WW (WriterWoman) commented that someone must have really come down on me about being a writer at some point or given me scathing feedback, or something equally traumatizing because my reaction was so negative. Obviously and physically negative. She said I literally shrank into my seat and withdrew when referred to as a writer. Especially one with a blog.
Gawd! When (and how) will I get past this nonsense? It bothers me. Do I need to schedule time in a mirrored room where I do nothing for an hour other than look at myself and say over and over "I am a writer, I am a writer, I am a writer"? Desensitization therapy for the writer with low writer esteem?
The thing is, I can not determine where this hideous (for really, it is hideous) reaction comes from. I know my father would have loved to have been a writer, my step-dad writes (extensive journaling and poetry) my mother appreciated creative folks (though being a Capricorn she definately leaned toward the Practical, with a capital P.) I don't recall any real bias against artistic types in my family. The only other thing that comes to mind is the fact that my father and my auntie are both talented artists by nature who, for whatever reason, were unable to realize their artistic dreams...
Hmmm...there might be something there. Frustrated artists, people I love and admire dearly... Pressure to succeed? Fear of failure? Or worse, Fear of Success?? Just throwing ideas out there folks!
Help me out you armchair therapists! What is my problem?!?!?
It seems like something I need to address - for once and for all. I mean, I AM a writer. I freelanced for two years, wrote regularly for local weekly and daily newspapers, had articles published on-line and in national print magazines (three different ones!) The editors I worked with liked me and my writing as evidenced by the fact they kept giving me assignments. One newspaper even offered me a staff writing job (which I turned down.) I have had three poems published in two literary reviews (first 13 years ago and then again last year.)
What would have to happen for me to own being a writer? How do I define one who is, in my warped mind, a "real" writer? What are those boxes that need to be ticked off before I will own the title of writer? Because until I "own" this I fear I will be constantly battling myself to great detriment.
Got some serious thinking to do.
Write on,
j
I am a writer. I am a writer. I am a writer. I am a good writer.
I am supposed to do my check-in this evening. I am postponing it until tomorrow so that I may take this time to ask a very important question:
What the Hell is my PROBLEM?!?!
OK, before you all start posting madly with a veritable grocery list of possible answers (the downside of only having people who know you well read your blog...) let me limit your responses by way of a story.
Yesterday I met a woman. A very interesting, energetic and confident woman. A writer. I love talking to writers - shoot, creative people in general. Lately I have been noticing there are so many of us out there, it's really refreshing and wonderful. Inspiring. But I digress...
Somehow it came up that I also am a writer. A mutual friend joined into to mention that I "even have a blog." Of course, my first instinct is to blurt out that well, yeah, I have a blog, but no one reads it. Or I only have 7 followers and they are either friends or family or something equally idiotic. (True, but idiotic, nonetheless. And I am immensely thankful for all 7 of you, BTW.)
The good news is I didn't say any of those things. The bad news is I apparently "shrunk" and "withdrew" when the second friend told the new writer woman that I, too, was a writer. It was so obvious and pronounced that WW (WriterWoman) commented that someone must have really come down on me about being a writer at some point or given me scathing feedback, or something equally traumatizing because my reaction was so negative. Obviously and physically negative. She said I literally shrank into my seat and withdrew when referred to as a writer. Especially one with a blog.
Gawd! When (and how) will I get past this nonsense? It bothers me. Do I need to schedule time in a mirrored room where I do nothing for an hour other than look at myself and say over and over "I am a writer, I am a writer, I am a writer"? Desensitization therapy for the writer with low writer esteem?
The thing is, I can not determine where this hideous (for really, it is hideous) reaction comes from. I know my father would have loved to have been a writer, my step-dad writes (extensive journaling and poetry) my mother appreciated creative folks (though being a Capricorn she definately leaned toward the Practical, with a capital P.) I don't recall any real bias against artistic types in my family. The only other thing that comes to mind is the fact that my father and my auntie are both talented artists by nature who, for whatever reason, were unable to realize their artistic dreams...
Hmmm...there might be something there. Frustrated artists, people I love and admire dearly... Pressure to succeed? Fear of failure? Or worse, Fear of Success?? Just throwing ideas out there folks!
Help me out you armchair therapists! What is my problem?!?!?
It seems like something I need to address - for once and for all. I mean, I AM a writer. I freelanced for two years, wrote regularly for local weekly and daily newspapers, had articles published on-line and in national print magazines (three different ones!) The editors I worked with liked me and my writing as evidenced by the fact they kept giving me assignments. One newspaper even offered me a staff writing job (which I turned down.) I have had three poems published in two literary reviews (first 13 years ago and then again last year.)
What would have to happen for me to own being a writer? How do I define one who is, in my warped mind, a "real" writer? What are those boxes that need to be ticked off before I will own the title of writer? Because until I "own" this I fear I will be constantly battling myself to great detriment.
Got some serious thinking to do.
Write on,
j
I am a writer. I am a writer. I am a writer. I am a good writer.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
End of Week 6: Recovering a Sense of Abundance
Dear Reader,
Let's jump to the chase: I don't think I have ever had a "sense of abundance."
Well sure, some of you might have known me long enough to remember when I had an abundance of bad for me boys in my life. And there may have been times when I had an abundance of bad taste, or made an abundance of bad decisions, but I don't really think that is the type of abundance I am supposed to be reclaiming (at least I hope not! Shiz, that would suck, I have worked so hard to get out of that space.)
I believe this is a positive flavor of abundance I am supposed to be enjoying, reclaiming, staking out for myself. An abundance of free time, of love, of attention, of...OK, I'll go a head and say it - money.
I think the main thing I learned this week, in thinking about abundance, is that I equate money with abundance. And I sure ain't had an abundance of that. But as I thought about it futher I realized that none of my peers growing up really did either. (If I grew up with some bonafide blue bloods and didn't realize it - email me - I am actively accepting patrons for my art!)
I don't really know what that means in the grand scheme of things other than to realize that I am not alone in feeling a lifetime of financial hardship. Never having "enough" money - or rather feeling llike I never have enough money. There is a difference between not having the money and just feeling like you don't. And I do realize that in many ways I am financially better off than most of the world.
That said, I would like to experience financial security. The kind that allows for healthy college funds for the kids, a nice vacation at the holidays and one over the summer, cars that work well and when they don't it's not the end of the world to take it in to get it fixed. The kind of security where property taxes or income taxes don't wipe out your savings.
Am I asking for too much? Sometimes it feels like I am.
Maybe it would be enough to not operate from an attitude of scarcity. Would simply having an attitude of abundance be enough? Would simply believing there is enough time, enough love, enough money make it feel like there is? Or alter my brain chemistry so I believe there is enough? Or change reality so there is enough? (I am beginning to sound like I am channeling The Secret...)
So that was the gist of Week 6 - the halfway mark on the 12 (+) week journey of The Artist's Way. I did my morning pages, I did 90% of the tasks/exercises, I had my artist date, and sadly, did not experience any synchronicity. I am still waiting.
May you have a week abundant in synchronicity.
Write on,
j
Let's jump to the chase: I don't think I have ever had a "sense of abundance."
Well sure, some of you might have known me long enough to remember when I had an abundance of bad for me boys in my life. And there may have been times when I had an abundance of bad taste, or made an abundance of bad decisions, but I don't really think that is the type of abundance I am supposed to be reclaiming (at least I hope not! Shiz, that would suck, I have worked so hard to get out of that space.)
I believe this is a positive flavor of abundance I am supposed to be enjoying, reclaiming, staking out for myself. An abundance of free time, of love, of attention, of...OK, I'll go a head and say it - money.
I think the main thing I learned this week, in thinking about abundance, is that I equate money with abundance. And I sure ain't had an abundance of that. But as I thought about it futher I realized that none of my peers growing up really did either. (If I grew up with some bonafide blue bloods and didn't realize it - email me - I am actively accepting patrons for my art!)
I don't really know what that means in the grand scheme of things other than to realize that I am not alone in feeling a lifetime of financial hardship. Never having "enough" money - or rather feeling llike I never have enough money. There is a difference between not having the money and just feeling like you don't. And I do realize that in many ways I am financially better off than most of the world.
That said, I would like to experience financial security. The kind that allows for healthy college funds for the kids, a nice vacation at the holidays and one over the summer, cars that work well and when they don't it's not the end of the world to take it in to get it fixed. The kind of security where property taxes or income taxes don't wipe out your savings.
Am I asking for too much? Sometimes it feels like I am.
Maybe it would be enough to not operate from an attitude of scarcity. Would simply having an attitude of abundance be enough? Would simply believing there is enough time, enough love, enough money make it feel like there is? Or alter my brain chemistry so I believe there is enough? Or change reality so there is enough? (I am beginning to sound like I am channeling The Secret...)
So that was the gist of Week 6 - the halfway mark on the 12 (+) week journey of The Artist's Way. I did my morning pages, I did 90% of the tasks/exercises, I had my artist date, and sadly, did not experience any synchronicity. I am still waiting.
May you have a week abundant in synchronicity.
Write on,
j
Monday, February 8, 2010
Thought for the Day
"Expect the Universe to support your dream. It will."
What would happen if you were able to operate under that assumption? What would change in your life? Ruminate. Discuss. Share.
What would happen if you were able to operate under that assumption? What would change in your life? Ruminate. Discuss. Share.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Thought Provoking Quote for the Day
"Becoming a writer is not a 'career decision' like becoming a doctor or a policeman. You don't choose it so much as get chosen, and once you accept the fact that you're not fit for anything else, you have to be prepared to walk a long, hard road for the rest of your days." ~ Paul Auster
Dear Reader,
I am close to accepting the fact that I am not fit for anything else. I must begin to prepare myself for the long, hard walk....
Write on,
j
Dear Reader,
I am close to accepting the fact that I am not fit for anything else. I must begin to prepare myself for the long, hard walk....
Write on,
j
Monday, February 1, 2010
Week 5 Check In
Helloooooo Dear Reader!
Well, here we are at the end of two-week-long week 5. Week 5, if you recall, was "Recovering a Sense of Possibility." I, once again, (I told you you would begin to notice some patterns...) took the liberty of mulling, chewing, masticating (same thing, I know...sheesh!) and stewing in the deliciousness of this subject for an extra long time. Two weeks. Honestly, I think I could have milked even more out of it for another week, it was that good!
I have to say "Yes!" I do feel a bit better, I do believe there is possibility out there, I do believe I have a shot at writing a lot, writing well, writing for publication, getting paid to write and then even being able to call myself a writer without making scrunchy face. Because really, Scrunchy Face is no bueno.
Week 5, I was warned, would find me "...examin[ing] the cost of settling for appearing good instead of being authentic. You may find yourself thinking about radical changes, no longer ruling out your growth by making others the cause of your constriction." Now, I don't know what specifically Cameron was referring to, but I like to think that finally cutting my hair super short again (after 10 years of pretending to grow it out) can be stretched to fit into the "radical" category (Hey, I'm talking Baby Steps here people!) I think of myself as a short haired person. Others still think of me as a short haired person even though it had been a decade since it was short. This is just a part of who I truly am, right? Right.
Another concept that Cameron brought up in Week 5 is the idea of "creative solitude." Creative solitude is an absolute requirement for the Artist (caps mine.) She says, "An [A]rtist must have downtime, time to do nothing. " I find that time not only hard to come by, but when I am presented with a snippet of time where I might actually do nothing I am unable to sit still! How vexing! To crave something so deeply and strongly and then not be able to actually do it (or NOT do it, more accurately) when given the opportunity.
It's creative constipation!
I could easily spend an entire week on the concept of creative solitude, why we artists need it and how we are able to so easily and readily high jack it from ourselves. Because really, that is what we are doing. High jacking ourselves with guilt and a laundry list of shoulds and, well, laundry! Or sweeping, or paying bills, or cleaning the frickin' toilet. How have we (and of course, I am talking about myself here) gotten to the point where scrubbing the toilet is more important than taking 15 minutes to sit and watch the clouds go by outside, or the rain fall, or the flames of the fire?
WTF?!?!
I am ranting a bit here. I realize I have gone off the Week 5 path a bit, but I also think I have - by engaging in unrehearsed blogging- uncovered a spot I need to write more about. Maybe all this vinegar (ahhh yes....now it begins to make sense, doesn't it?) is a clue. So I am going to cut this blog short - because I could go on and on about Week 5, there is soooo much good stuff up in here - and take this rant off-line, go dig a little deeper, see where it leads me.
In the meantime, I will leave you with this gem of wisdom courtesy of Toni Morrison, and printed in The Artist's Way:
Write on!
j
Well, here we are at the end of two-week-long week 5. Week 5, if you recall, was "Recovering a Sense of Possibility." I, once again, (I told you you would begin to notice some patterns...) took the liberty of mulling, chewing, masticating (same thing, I know...sheesh!) and stewing in the deliciousness of this subject for an extra long time. Two weeks. Honestly, I think I could have milked even more out of it for another week, it was that good!
I have to say "Yes!" I do feel a bit better, I do believe there is possibility out there, I do believe I have a shot at writing a lot, writing well, writing for publication, getting paid to write and then even being able to call myself a writer without making scrunchy face. Because really, Scrunchy Face is no bueno.
Week 5, I was warned, would find me "...examin[ing] the cost of settling for appearing good instead of being authentic. You may find yourself thinking about radical changes, no longer ruling out your growth by making others the cause of your constriction." Now, I don't know what specifically Cameron was referring to, but I like to think that finally cutting my hair super short again (after 10 years of pretending to grow it out) can be stretched to fit into the "radical" category (Hey, I'm talking Baby Steps here people!) I think of myself as a short haired person. Others still think of me as a short haired person even though it had been a decade since it was short. This is just a part of who I truly am, right? Right.
Another concept that Cameron brought up in Week 5 is the idea of "creative solitude." Creative solitude is an absolute requirement for the Artist (caps mine.) She says, "An [A]rtist must have downtime, time to do nothing. " I find that time not only hard to come by, but when I am presented with a snippet of time where I might actually do nothing I am unable to sit still! How vexing! To crave something so deeply and strongly and then not be able to actually do it (or NOT do it, more accurately) when given the opportunity.
It's creative constipation!
I could easily spend an entire week on the concept of creative solitude, why we artists need it and how we are able to so easily and readily high jack it from ourselves. Because really, that is what we are doing. High jacking ourselves with guilt and a laundry list of shoulds and, well, laundry! Or sweeping, or paying bills, or cleaning the frickin' toilet. How have we (and of course, I am talking about myself here) gotten to the point where scrubbing the toilet is more important than taking 15 minutes to sit and watch the clouds go by outside, or the rain fall, or the flames of the fire?
WTF?!?!
I am ranting a bit here. I realize I have gone off the Week 5 path a bit, but I also think I have - by engaging in unrehearsed blogging- uncovered a spot I need to write more about. Maybe all this vinegar (ahhh yes....now it begins to make sense, doesn't it?) is a clue. So I am going to cut this blog short - because I could go on and on about Week 5, there is soooo much good stuff up in here - and take this rant off-line, go dig a little deeper, see where it leads me.
In the meantime, I will leave you with this gem of wisdom courtesy of Toni Morrison, and printed in The Artist's Way:
"We are traditionally rather proud of ourselves for having slipped creative
work in there between the domestic chores and obligations. I'm not
so sure we deserve such big A-pluses for that."
Write on!
j
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