Hello Dear Reader,
It's been a while, hasn't it? So much has been going on. Major life changes, a full summer, back to school and work, the second anniversary of my mom's death and an even greater shift within me.
Those of you who know me well know that I love my solitude. I crave it. It sustains me.
The funny thing is, now I have a little bit more of it than I am used to I am having a difficult time adjusting. It has thrown me for a loop. So, as is my nature, I have been looking into this dis-content. Why, if I adore solitude so much, am I not enjoying the extra time to myself?
Because I am lonely. And I don't want to be. I don't like being lonely. I try to fill the time, that precious, hollow, fertile time that I have historically craved so deeply...I just want it filled.
Ah yes, welcome to the flip side.
That's where I am. I am on the flip side. Loneliness is the flip side of solitude. Loneliness, right now, is the flip side of companionship. I am exploring the flip side of marriage, relationship, partnership, shared household...all of it.
And I'll be honest with you...recently there have been days when I am not sure I've done the right thing in flipping it all ass over teakettle. But it is flipped. And right now, all I can do is be with that. The loneliness. The fear. The uncertainty.
I am sitting with it all, welcoming it in, engaging it in deep conversation, getting to know this part of me that I apparently do not know all that well.
“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”