The grumpies for staying home for two days, missing work and using up sick days of which i have only a few (due to using them all at the beginning of the year since they only give you THREE days bereavement!) transformed into gratitude that lil' boy isn't seriously ill, and is, in fact, back to his happy, chatty, bouncy boy self + cool stories about the ER and blood draws for his kindergarten friends. AND gratitude that I have a job where I can take a day - or two - off and it's not a huge issue.
Bonus: My daughter loves Michael Franti and his new CD and is downstairs singing "Gloria" as I type.
Note to self: Life is good, don't ever forget it.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Vanilla
I have a few new poems I am working on...in the midst of the re-writing stages. Stay tuned!
PS: I'm at 21000 words, just shy of my goal of 25k by midnight tonight. Frankly I am choosing sleep over a late night writing frenzy.
PS: I'm at 21000 words, just shy of my goal of 25k by midnight tonight. Frankly I am choosing sleep over a late night writing frenzy.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
The simple things
Yesterday I went for a walk with the annoying little dog.
Walking in the moist redwood groves I watched leaves fall to the road, twirling slowly in the cool air. I smelled horses and redwoods and dirt. I saw berries that were confused by the odd weather we've had and that, because of the few nights of frost, will never ripen.
I wondered why I don't take more short walks into the state park that is literally steps from our door. I wondered why I can go months without walking or riding my bike there.
I realized that the dog wasn't as annoying if she got out into the fresh air for a little sniffing around. She even came face to face with a squirrel and miraculously didn't freak out - barking manically - like she usually does with most things. She certainly perked up and even stood up on her back two feet as the squirrel ran up a tree, but not a peep!
I also realized I wasn't as annoying if I got out into the fresh air for a little exercise and fresh air. Pretty sure I barked less too.
Write simply,
jessica
Walking in the moist redwood groves I watched leaves fall to the road, twirling slowly in the cool air. I smelled horses and redwoods and dirt. I saw berries that were confused by the odd weather we've had and that, because of the few nights of frost, will never ripen.
I wondered why I don't take more short walks into the state park that is literally steps from our door. I wondered why I can go months without walking or riding my bike there.
I realized that the dog wasn't as annoying if she got out into the fresh air for a little sniffing around. She even came face to face with a squirrel and miraculously didn't freak out - barking manically - like she usually does with most things. She certainly perked up and even stood up on her back two feet as the squirrel ran up a tree, but not a peep!
I also realized I wasn't as annoying if I got out into the fresh air for a little exercise and fresh air. Pretty sure I barked less too.
Write simply,
jessica
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
that's all?!?
you mean to tell me (or do i mean to tell you?) that on november 7 i had written 10,000 words and now, today, many days later (you do the math, i suck at it) i only have 17,500 words?!?! ah geez.
i coulda been a contendah! i was on my way, i was on pace for success. but no, in the last 2+weeks i have only written another 7500 words. meh.
i do have some handwritten pages i need to get in there, that might kick me up to 20k.
so again, i revise. revise my monthly goal. 25,000 by midnight, november 30 and i will call myself a semi-success. 50,000 by the dawn of 2011 and i'll consider myself a full success. how's that?
in addition, i want to submit to the porter gulch review again (deadline, 12/15) and the central coast writers contest (finalist last year - deadline early january?) and i need to have a couple more mom poems finished for my big reading at the celebration of the muse in march. and, you know, practice the weeping, not sobbing thing.
so there are my writing life goals for the rest of the year.
right living goals? another day, another post. teacher goals? another day, another post. thanksgiving day goals? cook a yummy bird. remember my mom's last holiday with us (last thanksgiving at our house) with honor and love and not too much sadness, if possible.
write on rightly,
jess
i coulda been a contendah! i was on my way, i was on pace for success. but no, in the last 2+weeks i have only written another 7500 words. meh.
i do have some handwritten pages i need to get in there, that might kick me up to 20k.
so again, i revise. revise my monthly goal. 25,000 by midnight, november 30 and i will call myself a semi-success. 50,000 by the dawn of 2011 and i'll consider myself a full success. how's that?
in addition, i want to submit to the porter gulch review again (deadline, 12/15) and the central coast writers contest (finalist last year - deadline early january?) and i need to have a couple more mom poems finished for my big reading at the celebration of the muse in march. and, you know, practice the weeping, not sobbing thing.
so there are my writing life goals for the rest of the year.
right living goals? another day, another post. teacher goals? another day, another post. thanksgiving day goals? cook a yummy bird. remember my mom's last holiday with us (last thanksgiving at our house) with honor and love and not too much sadness, if possible.
write on rightly,
jess
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Over 10,000!
Dear Reader,
I have exciting news! I am over 10,000 words into my novel! In one week! Yahoo!
Technically, however, I am behind. [Insert sad, tired, writer face here.] Apparently if I was on schedule I woulda/shoulda/coulda written 11,669 words by midnight tonight to be on target for the 50,000 by midnight November 30. Whatev. It's 10:50 (really, 11:50 - damn time change) and this authoress is going to sleep!
I'm still feeling confident. I mean, really, I have a life here. Full-time job (did you know I spend the hours between 7-5 at work most days, + do school work about an hour each night + spend at least a few, if not a lot, of hours on the weekend dedicated to school work?), two loving kids who actually crave/want/need/desire my full attention, a hubby who would like some attention too, a neglected, smelly, needs her nails clipped doggeroo, and a poetry writing group for which i should think deep thoughts and write poems...not to mention things like friends, other family, bills, laundry, groceries, returning library books, and other essentials.
Damn! Just listing all that shizaam I do makes me feel like SuperWoman or something. I am even more proud of my 10,000 words! And things are just getting interesting in the story...Is it wrong to have a crush on my character's romantic interest? He is kinda hot...
In heat,
Jessica
I have exciting news! I am over 10,000 words into my novel! In one week! Yahoo!
Technically, however, I am behind. [Insert sad, tired, writer face here.] Apparently if I was on schedule I woulda/shoulda/coulda written 11,669 words by midnight tonight to be on target for the 50,000 by midnight November 30. Whatev. It's 10:50 (really, 11:50 - damn time change) and this authoress is going to sleep!
I'm still feeling confident. I mean, really, I have a life here. Full-time job (did you know I spend the hours between 7-5 at work most days, + do school work about an hour each night + spend at least a few, if not a lot, of hours on the weekend dedicated to school work?), two loving kids who actually crave/want/need/desire my full attention, a hubby who would like some attention too, a neglected, smelly, needs her nails clipped doggeroo, and a poetry writing group for which i should think deep thoughts and write poems...not to mention things like friends, other family, bills, laundry, groceries, returning library books, and other essentials.
Damn! Just listing all that shizaam I do makes me feel like SuperWoman or something. I am even more proud of my 10,000 words! And things are just getting interesting in the story...Is it wrong to have a crush on my character's romantic interest? He is kinda hot...
In heat,
Jessica
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Update: Time Marches On
NaNo Update:
NaNoWriMo began November 1. Did I mention that in order to write the 50,000 words in the month one must average 1667 words a day? No? well, it is true.
Yesterday, over 1700. Today, just over 1000. Still happy. But O.M.G. this is a major challenge. What happens when you get to the point where you have nothing to say? Yikes! I thought I was going to cheat a little at first. You know, just start typing up the novel I already began. But so far that has not been necessary. I am not writing a completely different novel, but it is different in tone to begin with. My main character is different than I imagined her too. I am looking forward to getting to know her better. Considering what I think is in store, I am excited for her!
Simplification Update:
I'm back on the wagon - no shopping this month. No purchasing of un-necessary, un-needed material goods...and let's face it, aren't most of them un-necessary and un-needed? If there is something deemed or believed to be either needed or necessary then I put it on my list for the coming month. When December 1 rolls around I look at the list. Do I still think I need it? Have I been pining away for it all month? If so, I consider it and figure out what I will get rid of (donate, give away, reuse, recycle, sell, etc.) to make room for the new item.
Just trying to slow the consumerism train down just a bit folks...
That's the update. Consciously slowing down, eliminating the unnecessary and un-needed, the extraneous that keeps me from what I really want to do: enjoy my family, practice yoga and meditation and read and write. Well, this month, just write, no read. ;-)
Write Simply,
j.
NaNoWriMo began November 1. Did I mention that in order to write the 50,000 words in the month one must average 1667 words a day? No? well, it is true.
Yesterday, over 1700. Today, just over 1000. Still happy. But O.M.G. this is a major challenge. What happens when you get to the point where you have nothing to say? Yikes! I thought I was going to cheat a little at first. You know, just start typing up the novel I already began. But so far that has not been necessary. I am not writing a completely different novel, but it is different in tone to begin with. My main character is different than I imagined her too. I am looking forward to getting to know her better. Considering what I think is in store, I am excited for her!
Simplification Update:
I'm back on the wagon - no shopping this month. No purchasing of un-necessary, un-needed material goods...and let's face it, aren't most of them un-necessary and un-needed? If there is something deemed or believed to be either needed or necessary then I put it on my list for the coming month. When December 1 rolls around I look at the list. Do I still think I need it? Have I been pining away for it all month? If so, I consider it and figure out what I will get rid of (donate, give away, reuse, recycle, sell, etc.) to make room for the new item.
Just trying to slow the consumerism train down just a bit folks...
That's the update. Consciously slowing down, eliminating the unnecessary and un-needed, the extraneous that keeps me from what I really want to do: enjoy my family, practice yoga and meditation and read and write. Well, this month, just write, no read. ;-)
Write Simply,
j.
Monday, November 1, 2010
November First
Hello Dear Reader,
Ahhh, it has been so long. Over 6 weeks?!? Can it be true? I see in my last post (yes, it has been so long I wasn't really sure what I last wrote of) I wrote about recalibrating. Ha! What is the line about the universe (God?) laughing at those who make plans? Somebody was laughing, I am sure, but it wasn't me.
October was a brutal month. I just started to breathe again (by choice - there is always a choice, but more on that later) the last week or two. Obviously I was optimistic mid-September. But then things got hectic and a little overwhelming. There was the one month mark of my mom's death and then her memorial and then the week after the union put on a benefit for her. All wonderful things, with friends and family and all that, but difficult and emotional. The morning after my mom's memorial I looked like I had an allergic reaction to something - my eyes were so puffy and swollen and red.
And then there was the regular life stuff - school/work (the honeymoon ended), hubby was out of town for a week plus, friends were in town helping in unimagineable ways and to deeper depths than I have ever known. So wonderfully amazing and yet, overwhelming too, to be held up like that. And there is more, but you are alive too, so you know how life gets, piles appear, dirt accumulates, lists grow longer and longer and unexpected things happen and feelings emerge and, and, and ... need I tell you? No, you know enough.
So I had to decide to stop the deluge. Did my psychic "end the rain" dance and stood up to the tide. Grounded my feet as best I could and said to the whirling world, "Enough is enough." Guess what? It worked.
So back to the recalibration thing. I am back on vinegar and vanilla - knowing even more the sour of life and the sweet. How necessary both are, and how pungent and fragrant.
I am also back on the yoga mat and the meditation cushion and I am off the TV (now that my guilty pleasures are done for the season I can more easily wean myself from the idiot box time suck machine) and I am also, because I am more than a little bit nuts, signed up for the National Novel Writing Month challenge. 50,000 words by the end of the month and presto! chango! you have the first draft of your novel!
What this means is: I will be here, but my posts will be shorter. Or maybe not, maybe I'll be so juicy from all the writing it will spill over here like an overfilled cup of coffee on its way from the kitchen to your favorite fireside chair on a rainy blustery sunday morning...
Write On,
Jess
Ahhh, it has been so long. Over 6 weeks?!? Can it be true? I see in my last post (yes, it has been so long I wasn't really sure what I last wrote of) I wrote about recalibrating. Ha! What is the line about the universe (God?) laughing at those who make plans? Somebody was laughing, I am sure, but it wasn't me.
October was a brutal month. I just started to breathe again (by choice - there is always a choice, but more on that later) the last week or two. Obviously I was optimistic mid-September. But then things got hectic and a little overwhelming. There was the one month mark of my mom's death and then her memorial and then the week after the union put on a benefit for her. All wonderful things, with friends and family and all that, but difficult and emotional. The morning after my mom's memorial I looked like I had an allergic reaction to something - my eyes were so puffy and swollen and red.
And then there was the regular life stuff - school/work (the honeymoon ended), hubby was out of town for a week plus, friends were in town helping in unimagineable ways and to deeper depths than I have ever known. So wonderfully amazing and yet, overwhelming too, to be held up like that. And there is more, but you are alive too, so you know how life gets, piles appear, dirt accumulates, lists grow longer and longer and unexpected things happen and feelings emerge and, and, and ... need I tell you? No, you know enough.
So I had to decide to stop the deluge. Did my psychic "end the rain" dance and stood up to the tide. Grounded my feet as best I could and said to the whirling world, "Enough is enough." Guess what? It worked.
So back to the recalibration thing. I am back on vinegar and vanilla - knowing even more the sour of life and the sweet. How necessary both are, and how pungent and fragrant.
I am also back on the yoga mat and the meditation cushion and I am off the TV (now that my guilty pleasures are done for the season I can more easily wean myself from the idiot box time suck machine) and I am also, because I am more than a little bit nuts, signed up for the National Novel Writing Month challenge. 50,000 words by the end of the month and presto! chango! you have the first draft of your novel!
What this means is: I will be here, but my posts will be shorter. Or maybe not, maybe I'll be so juicy from all the writing it will spill over here like an overfilled cup of coffee on its way from the kitchen to your favorite fireside chair on a rainy blustery sunday morning...
Write On,
Jess
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Recalibrating
Hello Friend,
I have not posted in a while ~ over a week. I am pretty much back into the swing of working each day. I have not yet established a good system - still feel like I am playing catch up for the two weeks I was out.
That said, I am enjoying the work and even though there is a lot more involved in teaching English rather than PE I feel like A) I made the right choice and B) I will get a system in place that works for me. One that involves being able to do things that I enjoy and are important to me - other than planning lessons and grading papers! My self-imposed deadline to have said system in place? October 1.
In the weeks since my mom died it feels like my life is, on the surface, the same. But if you go deeper it is completely different. The earth beneath my feet has certainly shifted and I don't quite feel like I have my balance yet. I am making small adjustments to make up for it, and I am confident I will end up just as steady as I was before. NO, scratch that, I will be steadier than I was before.
I feel like I am constantly standing in mountain pose - it looks so basic but is in fact so challenging. To the unfamiliar (and even to dedicated practitioners) it doesn't look like a big deal - just stand there, on your own two feet, and don't move. But the reality is much more complicated and there is so much going on in your body at a cellular and muscular level. Tens, if not hundreds, of small adjustments that play off one another so that you can stand there, perfectly still, and make it look effortless.
Or you lose your balance, take a deep breath and start all over again.
In balance,
Jessica
I have not posted in a while ~ over a week. I am pretty much back into the swing of working each day. I have not yet established a good system - still feel like I am playing catch up for the two weeks I was out.
That said, I am enjoying the work and even though there is a lot more involved in teaching English rather than PE I feel like A) I made the right choice and B) I will get a system in place that works for me. One that involves being able to do things that I enjoy and are important to me - other than planning lessons and grading papers! My self-imposed deadline to have said system in place? October 1.
In the weeks since my mom died it feels like my life is, on the surface, the same. But if you go deeper it is completely different. The earth beneath my feet has certainly shifted and I don't quite feel like I have my balance yet. I am making small adjustments to make up for it, and I am confident I will end up just as steady as I was before. NO, scratch that, I will be steadier than I was before.
I feel like I am constantly standing in mountain pose - it looks so basic but is in fact so challenging. To the unfamiliar (and even to dedicated practitioners) it doesn't look like a big deal - just stand there, on your own two feet, and don't move. But the reality is much more complicated and there is so much going on in your body at a cellular and muscular level. Tens, if not hundreds, of small adjustments that play off one another so that you can stand there, perfectly still, and make it look effortless.
Or you lose your balance, take a deep breath and start all over again.
In balance,
Jessica
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Thankful Thursday
Hello Friends,
Today is Thursday - what do you have to be thankful for? I have a list of little things (and some bigger ones too) that I am thankful for today:
1- a new job that, while hectic and lots-of-work producing, I think I will really enjoy.
2- at least one friend who will go out dancing with me - and drive me there and back.
3- good friends I have known for longer than I haven't.
4- said friends who are willing to be both gentle and honest in their sharing of insight and opinion.
5- understanding folks who let me break down when they ask me about my mom.
6- many friends of my mom who have shared sweet memories of her.
7- the sympathy cards friends and family have sent. I never would have imagined how comforting they really are.
8- that I have actually been able to get up extra early so I can get in a mini yoga and mini meditation session before work. I rock! But I am a sleepy rock!
9- kids who give good, long, strong hugs. The best kind. We do more of them lately.
I'm stopping there - 9 is my lucky number.
Thankfully,
Jessica
Today is Thursday - what do you have to be thankful for? I have a list of little things (and some bigger ones too) that I am thankful for today:
1- a new job that, while hectic and lots-of-work producing, I think I will really enjoy.
2- at least one friend who will go out dancing with me - and drive me there and back.
3- good friends I have known for longer than I haven't.
4- said friends who are willing to be both gentle and honest in their sharing of insight and opinion.
5- understanding folks who let me break down when they ask me about my mom.
6- many friends of my mom who have shared sweet memories of her.
7- the sympathy cards friends and family have sent. I never would have imagined how comforting they really are.
8- that I have actually been able to get up extra early so I can get in a mini yoga and mini meditation session before work. I rock! But I am a sleepy rock!
9- kids who give good, long, strong hugs. The best kind. We do more of them lately.
I'm stopping there - 9 is my lucky number.
Thankfully,
Jessica
Monday, September 6, 2010
6 days down...
So far, so good. It's been almost a week and I have not broken my vow of shop-less-ness yet!
I did manage to break our DVD player, and we now have a new (to us) one - but the beautiful thing is all I had to do was ask if anyone had an old one they didn't need. Lo and behold - a friend had TWO of them he was going to sell at a yard sale. He said he would much rather give one to me so we met downtown for the exchange. Painless and free. Fantastic! He felt good being able to help and I, miraculously, was able to graciously accept the gift. It was very nice.
So, 24 days to go folks. How are you doing on your quest to curb your spending? ;-)
Frugally,
Jessica
I did manage to break our DVD player, and we now have a new (to us) one - but the beautiful thing is all I had to do was ask if anyone had an old one they didn't need. Lo and behold - a friend had TWO of them he was going to sell at a yard sale. He said he would much rather give one to me so we met downtown for the exchange. Painless and free. Fantastic! He felt good being able to help and I, miraculously, was able to graciously accept the gift. It was very nice.
So, 24 days to go folks. How are you doing on your quest to curb your spending? ;-)
Frugally,
Jessica
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
A Month of Minimalism
Anyone care to join me as I experiment with a month of beginning minimalism (also know to me as: reduce, reuse, recycle and don't buy shit you really don't need)? C'mon, admit it, it sounds like more fun than a barrel of free, recycled monkeys, doesn't it?
I've been inspired to try this (key word, in case you aren't paying attention: "try") by a series of events:
1) my post-back-to-school shopping consumer hangover
2) the appalling amount of crap (piles and boxes and closets full of it) that I have tried, desperately, to whittle down over the course of the summer. If you have been to my house lately you will see how futile this effort has been. But you should also have seen the amount of stuff I have gotten rid of. Several large bags have gone to Goodwill, I have sold many items on Craigslist, had one yard sale, two trips to the children's consignment shops, several books and CDs sold on Amazon, two trips to the grown-up consignment shop, items donated to friends, armful after armful of papers sent to the recycle bin and at least 2 large bags sent to the landfill (AKA garbage bin.) And still there are piles, and boxes and closets FULL OF STUFF!
3) the painful realization that the reason why (well, one of the reasons) is that I continue to buy more stuff! D'oh! and then Duh! and then huh? Really, am I that controllable? That suggestible? That weak-willed that I would rather buy a brand new hardback book now rather than put that $26.00 towards a trip to, say Paris or Kauai or even the City? I gotta get my priorities straight here folks!
In my defense, please let me say that I am not as bad as many other 'Mericans. 90% of the clothes I buy for myself (and maybe 50% of the kids' stuff) are used and from eBay or consignment shops, or Goodwill or the flea market - but that is still a whole lotta shoppin' options! Books I buy used at Logo's or off Amazon or at the flea. Again, a whole lotta shoppin'. Most often I check it out at the library first and then will add to my library if it seems like a book I simply must have on hand.
But enough is enough. I really need to see if I can rein this craziness in some. Not for you or anyone else, but for me. I want to consume less - and therefore have less to wash, fold, shlep, put away [repeat] and less to dust or move or put away or carry around. The goal being more time to a) be happy with my family (without stressing about said schtuff) b) read c) practice yoga and d) meditate.
So there you have it - September is the month the experiment begins. Care to join me? Mwahhh haha.....
Minimally,
j
PS: to learn more about my inspiration check out http://mnmlist.com/consumerism-vs-minimalism
I've been inspired to try this (key word, in case you aren't paying attention: "try") by a series of events:
1) my post-back-to-school shopping consumer hangover
2) the appalling amount of crap (piles and boxes and closets full of it) that I have tried, desperately, to whittle down over the course of the summer. If you have been to my house lately you will see how futile this effort has been. But you should also have seen the amount of stuff I have gotten rid of. Several large bags have gone to Goodwill, I have sold many items on Craigslist, had one yard sale, two trips to the children's consignment shops, several books and CDs sold on Amazon, two trips to the grown-up consignment shop, items donated to friends, armful after armful of papers sent to the recycle bin and at least 2 large bags sent to the landfill (AKA garbage bin.) And still there are piles, and boxes and closets FULL OF STUFF!
3) the painful realization that the reason why (well, one of the reasons) is that I continue to buy more stuff! D'oh! and then Duh! and then huh? Really, am I that controllable? That suggestible? That weak-willed that I would rather buy a brand new hardback book now rather than put that $26.00 towards a trip to, say Paris or Kauai or even the City? I gotta get my priorities straight here folks!
In my defense, please let me say that I am not as bad as many other 'Mericans. 90% of the clothes I buy for myself (and maybe 50% of the kids' stuff) are used and from eBay or consignment shops, or Goodwill or the flea market - but that is still a whole lotta shoppin' options! Books I buy used at Logo's or off Amazon or at the flea. Again, a whole lotta shoppin'. Most often I check it out at the library first and then will add to my library if it seems like a book I simply must have on hand.
But enough is enough. I really need to see if I can rein this craziness in some. Not for you or anyone else, but for me. I want to consume less - and therefore have less to wash, fold, shlep, put away [repeat] and less to dust or move or put away or carry around. The goal being more time to a) be happy with my family (without stressing about said schtuff) b) read c) practice yoga and d) meditate.
So there you have it - September is the month the experiment begins. Care to join me? Mwahhh haha.....
Minimally,
j
PS: to learn more about my inspiration check out http://mnmlist.com/consumerism-vs-minimalism
Sitting Torture
Boy, is it hard to get back in the swing of my yoga/meditation practice after a couple weeks of basically nothing.
Today - a little over twenty minutes of sitting meditation attempted and all I could think about was how my back hurt, my feet were cold, and yet at the same time I could not feel them. How is that possible? How long have I been at this? Can I peek? No, there is no clock visible, damnit!
Ahh well, I will be gentle on myself. Happy I found the time to sit and breathe at all - even though I know that is what I need most of all right now.
Namaste,
Jessica
Today - a little over twenty minutes of sitting meditation attempted and all I could think about was how my back hurt, my feet were cold, and yet at the same time I could not feel them. How is that possible? How long have I been at this? Can I peek? No, there is no clock visible, damnit!
Ahh well, I will be gentle on myself. Happy I found the time to sit and breathe at all - even though I know that is what I need most of all right now.
Namaste,
Jessica
Sunday, August 29, 2010
This time last week...
This time last week, literally, Juniper and I were holding my mom's hands as she left her physical body and peacefully and softly entered another plane. Another place. She passed away at 7:26 p.m.
I had put my iPhone on her pillow and played her playlist (ironically called my "on-the-go playlist") and Prince's When Doves Cry came on. I looked at Juniper with what I imagine was a stricken look on my face. The Sunday before we had first arrived at my mom's following a call from the nursing home that they thought she would pass either that night or in the morning. We had a wonderful, magical wake with the whole family there. I will write more about that night another time, but at one point we were listening to music and I had said, "I bet she'll go when it's When DOves Cry." So to hear it again, when my mom was so obviously close to leaving, was eerie, to say the least.
It is so hard to let go of someone, even when you want them to go. Even when you know they won't ever get better, when they would hate to still be around in the state they are in, when you have "prepared" yourself for the very moment for what feels like a very long time. And yet, when the breath slows - or stops - your first impulse is always "No! Breathe!" And then, at least for me, I had to consciously say "Yes, yes, you go. It's OK. We will be OK. You will be OK. We love you and will miss you, but we will remember you forever. It's OK to go." Which is literally what I did last Sunday.
I stroked her hair, and Juniper held her hand and stroked her arm and we all listened to Bob Marley sing Three Little Birds to remind us that every little thing IS going to be alright. Then Bonnie Raitt sang Nick of Time. Mom loved Bonnie Raitt and she and Joe saw her a few times, if I remember correctly. This song always made me teary anyways...
Mom's breath was so gentle, so soft, it never really paused nor was there a dramatic intake or sigh. It seemed to me just a sweet, soft stop. She finally just let go.
And then Imagine there's no heaven it's easy if you try, no hell below us, above us only sky...
I love you mom.
Jessica
posted 7:26 pm, August 29, 2010 totally by coincidence. or nora intervention.
I had put my iPhone on her pillow and played her playlist (ironically called my "on-the-go playlist") and Prince's When Doves Cry came on. I looked at Juniper with what I imagine was a stricken look on my face. The Sunday before we had first arrived at my mom's following a call from the nursing home that they thought she would pass either that night or in the morning. We had a wonderful, magical wake with the whole family there. I will write more about that night another time, but at one point we were listening to music and I had said, "I bet she'll go when it's When DOves Cry." So to hear it again, when my mom was so obviously close to leaving, was eerie, to say the least.
It is so hard to let go of someone, even when you want them to go. Even when you know they won't ever get better, when they would hate to still be around in the state they are in, when you have "prepared" yourself for the very moment for what feels like a very long time. And yet, when the breath slows - or stops - your first impulse is always "No! Breathe!" And then, at least for me, I had to consciously say "Yes, yes, you go. It's OK. We will be OK. You will be OK. We love you and will miss you, but we will remember you forever. It's OK to go." Which is literally what I did last Sunday.
I stroked her hair, and Juniper held her hand and stroked her arm and we all listened to Bob Marley sing Three Little Birds to remind us that every little thing IS going to be alright. Then Bonnie Raitt sang Nick of Time. Mom loved Bonnie Raitt and she and Joe saw her a few times, if I remember correctly. This song always made me teary anyways...
Mom's breath was so gentle, so soft, it never really paused nor was there a dramatic intake or sigh. It seemed to me just a sweet, soft stop. She finally just let go.
And then Imagine there's no heaven it's easy if you try, no hell below us, above us only sky...
I love you mom.
Jessica
posted 7:26 pm, August 29, 2010 totally by coincidence. or nora intervention.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Things I Promised My Mom
1) I will always have fresh flowers on the table. (She especially loved sweet peas and snapdragons from her garden.)
2) I will find a reason to laugh out loud every day.
3) I will be happy where I am and with what I have.
4) I will never stop dreaming.
5) I will dance freely and without inhibition every chance I get.
2) I will find a reason to laugh out loud every day.
3) I will be happy where I am and with what I have.
4) I will never stop dreaming.
5) I will dance freely and without inhibition every chance I get.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Be Open to It All
Hello Dear Reader,
A few days ago I went to see my mom. She has been in a skilled nursing facility since December. While I have certainly teared up and been a little weepy from time to time over the state of her disease (severe early onset dementia/alzheimers), seeing her the other day made me sob. Big, sloppy, uncontrollable, scare the children sobs.
The imminence of her death is obvious. Her hip bone is clearly visible even underneath the blanket and I swear you can see the head of her femur where it meets her hip. She is curled up in the fetal position and cried when I rubbed her and held her hand. It was awful.
She is officially on palliative care now which means she has been taken off all of her meds and is now just being given pain medication to keep her comfortable.
I was talking with a friend about the latest with my mom and she asked why I thought I was finally having/letting myself have this reaction. I think there are a couple of reasons. First, obviously, is that she looks so much closer to death. (Although in the days I have seen her since she has looked much better.) Secondly, I believe it is because of my regular yoga and meditation practice.
Over the past two months I have worked to establish a regular yoga and meditation habit. A big part of that practice has included lovingkindness and forgiveness meditation. I know that this has enabled me to open myself up to the inevitable - hopefully with compassion and kindness for my mom, myself, and the rest of my family as well.
There is something very freeing and kind of refreshing about being cracked open.
Write openly,
Jessica
A few days ago I went to see my mom. She has been in a skilled nursing facility since December. While I have certainly teared up and been a little weepy from time to time over the state of her disease (severe early onset dementia/alzheimers), seeing her the other day made me sob. Big, sloppy, uncontrollable, scare the children sobs.
The imminence of her death is obvious. Her hip bone is clearly visible even underneath the blanket and I swear you can see the head of her femur where it meets her hip. She is curled up in the fetal position and cried when I rubbed her and held her hand. It was awful.
She is officially on palliative care now which means she has been taken off all of her meds and is now just being given pain medication to keep her comfortable.
I was talking with a friend about the latest with my mom and she asked why I thought I was finally having/letting myself have this reaction. I think there are a couple of reasons. First, obviously, is that she looks so much closer to death. (Although in the days I have seen her since she has looked much better.) Secondly, I believe it is because of my regular yoga and meditation practice.
Over the past two months I have worked to establish a regular yoga and meditation habit. A big part of that practice has included lovingkindness and forgiveness meditation. I know that this has enabled me to open myself up to the inevitable - hopefully with compassion and kindness for my mom, myself, and the rest of my family as well.
There is something very freeing and kind of refreshing about being cracked open.
Write openly,
Jessica
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
What Jacques Pepin Has That I Want:
1) An amazing French accent
2) Mind boggling knife skills
3) The gall to make an amazing dessert from just chocolate and cornflakes
4) The ability to melt chocolate in the microwave (I am SO BAD at this!)
5) Charming true stories about cooking with Julia
6) An enviable wine cellar
7) No fear of caviar (not sure if I really wish I had this, but he can make even caviar sound essential)
8) A plate of dark chocolate covered roasted hazelnuts and a glass of port. Really, need I say more?
Mais non!
ecrire sur
jessique
2) Mind boggling knife skills
3) The gall to make an amazing dessert from just chocolate and cornflakes
4) The ability to melt chocolate in the microwave (I am SO BAD at this!)
5) Charming true stories about cooking with Julia
6) An enviable wine cellar
7) No fear of caviar (not sure if I really wish I had this, but he can make even caviar sound essential)
8) A plate of dark chocolate covered roasted hazelnuts and a glass of port. Really, need I say more?
Mais non!
ecrire sur
jessique
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
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